Hopeless

XI

"Orestes beloved. as you die you destroy me. You have torn away the part of my mind where hope was ."- Sophocles.

The next morning Gloria had forced me to get up from the bed and take my breakfast at the dining room area. She sat patiently with me while I tried to stuff the delicious—yet indifferent to me— food she had made me. It all tasted like carton, not like I knew what carton tasted like; but I assumed it tasted something like what I was eating; dry and difficult to swallow. My whole body felt entirely dehydrated from the lack of water consumption, but I dared not to tell that to Gloria unless I wanted her to start screaming at me. It took me long to finish the whole plate, but Gloria managed to stay silent and with a, slightly weird looking, smile plastered on her face. It was as if she was waiting for something other than me finishing my meal.

After I was done eating I stood up planning to place the plate in the sink but Gloria grabbed it before I could do anything and threw it on the counter next to it and then motioned me to sit back on the chair. And with a gentle smile she started talking.

'Look, darling. Unfortunately, your aunt and I had a fight yesterday about... some issues that had to do with the house.' I stayed silent and waited for her to continue. 'And, um, one thing led to another and...' She was no longer looking at me. She had found great interest in her fingernails than looking me in the eyes. 'I...will be leaving the house soon.'

Gloria might have been old, close-minded and sometimes pushy, but she was the only thing that kept me sane in this house. She was the one who saved my life and actually cared enough to make me realize I needed help. In every fight or awful encounter with my aunt, I knew Gloria would be waiting for me with a warm hug, a witty joke and food. But when she told me she would be going away, it nearly killed me. Pictures of aunt Maria staying alone, her boyfriend invading my personal space and nights when panic creeps through my thoughts and body without Gloria there to comfort me, flooded my mind.

I left the table without saying a word and almost ran to my room. I was angry. This weird version of desperation started bubbling inside of me and the only thing that managed to appear in my mind that would help me ease whatever I was feeling was breaking objects. And that I did. I grabbed anything that I could get a hold of and threw it on the floor with such force, that it could only break into pieces. Every time my hand grasped an item, I could only feel my anger reaching the very tips of my fingers, squeezing the object until my fingers were white and hurting and finally bursting out like flames forcing me to throw the object into the wall or on the floor.

Once I calmed down and realized the mess I had put myself into, I grabbed the nearest coat I saw lying around and quickly left the apartment building. My aunt would be furious when she would come across the mess her unworthy niece had caused. I could already see her face, without closing my eyes; lips scrunched, hands grabbing her waist so tight her knuckles seemed white, eyes wide open not even daring to blink. And Gloria would definitely be disappointed in me. She would, of course, not show it the slightest, but I knew her too well to know how she felt. But at the moment, I could not care less. I felt hurt, betrayed, abandoned. And to be honest, I do not know whether I had the right to feel all those things; Gloria was nothing less than like a mother to me, she had helped me more than anyone ever dared to. And maybe that is why I could not forgive her for leaving me alone, for knowing everything I've been through, yet abandoning me at a house she knows I only stayed because of her. Now that I think about it maybe that was the reason she left. Maybe she wanted me out of there. It seemed odd that a small, stupid fight could break my aunt and Gloria up. Because long before I came in the picture, Gloria was aunt Maria's little helper.

I do not know much, but I know enough. Gloria met aunt Maria when aunt Maria was only 19 years old and had gone to New York City to follow her dreams. A young, prude, with no life experience whatsoever, 19-year-old girl roaming through New York streets was my aunt when Gloria found her. She saw that young Elisabeth from quiet little Leeds was quite ambitious and fearless. So Gloria brought her to her house and took very much care of her; treated her like her own child. Of course, Gloria was not old at all, at the time. So, she too had a great deal of energy coursing through her veins. Enough for young, careless Elisabeth, at least.