Hopeless

XII

"If one truly has lost hope, one would not be on hand to say so" - Eric Bentley

We had reached the beginning of the third week of December. The weather was cold, it was mostly raining and once it lightly snowed. But I never stopped going to that park, and neither did Anthony. December 17th was the day Anthony told me he was in love with me. That is when it all went wrong, Angelina. Anthony had not stopped his relationship with Jayden and he had made it clear he would never do such a thing. That should have been my first red flag. But when he told me he was in love with me, it all changed. I actually thought that something would turn it upside down and Anthony would stop seeing Jayden, ask me to be his girlfriend and then live together a happy life.

It all happened extremely quickly; so much I barely had the time to register it. I believe that is the reason I seemed happy.

It was the first time I thought of my future. Before Anthony, I had an expiration date. I never dreamed of a happy future, or a future at all for that matter. So when Anthony came into my life promising a bright, happy life ahead of me, I felt ecstatic. And I told him I loved him. It was a beautiful moment, I dare say. He had taken me to his house, a gorgeously decorated apartment. Antiques sprawled over the space giving a wonderful cozy, vintage vibe to it that warmed my heart. The walls were painted very light brown and were decorated with many colorful posters of bands, vinyls and CDs. It was a small place; the kitchen right next to the living room and to its left there was an averagely large space where he put his twin sized bed. We laid there, the view of the whole apartment before us, cuddling. My head was resting on his chest and I leaned to look at my right, his large windows displaying the perfect view of New York City.

It was calm, very calm. I was in his arms and I felt whole for the first time in my miserable life. I knew that time, that I had a reason to stay here, a reason to keep going. My mind was going circles. I imagined a world where I could abandon my aunt's apartment and go live with Anthony instead. A world where Jayden is out of Anthony's life and I am the only girl he wanted. And I was determined to make that dream a reality. Every time Jayden called Anthony, I would purposely walk out of the bathroom with only his shirt on, or with nothing at all. I would whisper promises in his ear while he talked to her while my hand was doing anything it could to make him stay. And it worked, most of the time. I kept him busy with me so he could forget all about his other girlfriend waiting for her. For a split moment I let myself believe that Jayden was the other girl and that I was his real girlfriend.

That day, when we were cuddling on his bed in the apartment, was the day he told me he loved me. It was warm, he had his arms around me and soft music was playing in the background. He leaned into my ear and whispered;

'I think I am falling in love with you.' He planted a soft kiss on my ear and then on the top of my head.

After hearing these words of love come out of his mouth, I was hooked. He had me wrapped around his little finger and he knew it. I thought I had him hooked too, but Anthony was only playing a role. But, again, I don't blame him as he wasn't aware of that himself. Anthony had lied as much to me as he had to himself. We were both so caught up on this fake reality we had created, that we could not admit that it was all just... a lie.

I did not love him; I loved the idea of him. I loved the feeling of being happy and having someone who hadn't abandoned me. Yet, I told him I did. The first time I mouthed these three words to someone, they were utterly fake.

And Anthony; he did not love me. He loved the idea of being with someone who was not pressuring him and manipulating him as much as Jayden did. Even though I did as much pressuring and manipulating as his girlfriend, Anthony could not see it. Because people tend to go looking for the same destructive things until they realize what's really wrong.