Hopeless

XIII

"How far would you go to keep the hope of love alive?" – Nicholas Sparks

I wish this was the end of my story. I wish I could just say that after that incident, I walked outside with tear stains on my cheeks, a red nose and puffy eyes and I fell on a mysterious looking fellow. I wish I could say that he took me to his warm, cozy house, he lit a fire and we sat on the carpet drinking hot cocoa, laughing and getting to know each other. I wish I could write that after running out of Anthony's apartment building, I ran into the love of my life. But I cannot do such a thing. Because that is not what happened.

Once I stepped outside the cold, wintery New York after getting my hair broken by Anthony, I felt the immediate urge to scream. Unable to do so, considering I was in a public space and the last thing I wanted at the moment was to be looked at like I was a mad woman, I stayed silent. My feet started moving and I was walking towards an unknown destination. I needed nothing more in the world than to get away from the crowded city, to be somewhere alone, in peace, with no one to hurt me, use me or turn me into an even bigger monster that I already was. I did not like many people, and I hated a lot. But no person I hated more than myself on December 24th. What I did to Jayden, the way I disrespected her by going out with her boyfriend and then speaking to her like that while I knew I would hurt her, was horrible and I could not live with knowing she was still out there heartbroken and miserable.

So, a few days later I visited the park hoping to see her. To my surprise, I saw the both of them, Anthony and Jayden, sitting under a tree hugging and smiling. It hurt a lot. My anger was rising once more, almost consuming me. Only the sight of him made me want to run over there and bash his head on the ground. But, I did not. Instead, I waited behind one of some huge, green bushes until Anthony left Jayden so I could talk to her alone. Finally after almost two hours of waiting in the cold, Anthony went to the liquor store to buy supplies for some party, I overheard, that was happening later that night. I slowly got up and walked towards Jayden. She had her head bowed down, looking at the ground.

'Hello.' I spoke up, kind of timidly, afraid that if I was to make any sudden moves she would murder me. Crazy thoughts, really, but considering what I was about to do, I think they make sense.

'Elisabeth?' She asked, like we were some kind of old friends. She seemed tired. Her skin was paler, her eyes seemed damaged and her face generally made her look a lot older than she might have been. She looked right into my eyes, something she did almost every time we have talked and that scared me the most. 'What are you doing here?' She wondered and turned her head to the direction Anthony had left to.

'I, uh, I came here to...' I took a big breath, trying to control both my anger and the tears that were forming in the corner of my eyes, remembering the events of the last time I saw her. 'I came here to apologize to you.'

She seemed taken aback. Her eyebrows were frowned and I could see the same events I was thinking of, plying on the back of her head.

'It was not right what I did and how I spoke to you and, uh, yes I am so sorry.' She looked at me with no emotion left in her face. I was simply terrified, but she stayed calm.

I saw her look behind me and her eyes widened just a little bit; enough for me to realize that Anthony must be coming back.

'Leave.' She told me. 'Now.' For some reason I wanted to stay. I wanted to see his face while he realized who Jayden was talking to and I wanted to see how he would react to me being there. 'Can't you hear me? Leave! I do not want you here!' She screamed in an attempt to drive me away from there, but that only made Anthony walk faster and reach us sooner than what Jayden hoped. I turned around and faced him, my eyes full of tears.