Hopeless

XIV

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning." –Albert Einstein

As Christmas day slowly faded away and December 26th was forcefully dragged into my everyday life, I found myself without any motivation to get up and do anything. I stayed in my sweaty, wrinkly bed for most of the day and only got up to drag my, what felt like, almost lifeless body to the bathroom and then back to base. I did not eat, or drink anything and slept my way to December 27th. That day was quite interesting though.

It was the loneliest I had ever felt, December 26th, most definitely. And even though I felt deeply hurt by Hannah's decision to leave me in the dark all while she was gone, I could not stop thinking how fulfilling it would be to have someone to spend the last few days of holy joy with. Sitting on a chair out in the balcony gazing at the streets of New York City and the steely grey clouds that covered the sky I thought of how magnificent it might be to have no worries and celebrate the New Year with laughter. To wear my nice clothes, make myself look pretty and roam the streets with Hannah, laughing and singing while people stared at us with smiles, because it's Christmas time. How lovely would it be to have someone to laugh with? I thought.

You have to know, Katerina, that back in the day I had the biggest ego one is able to have. I almost never admitted to be wrong and it did not interest me in the slightest what people thought of it; I was not going to change. Yet, on December 27th, I hung my head low and walked all the way to Hannah's apartment to ask for her forgiveness. It was, most certainly, extremely hard for me to do but in order to have my desired New Year's Eve, I had to do it.

Knocking on her door, I felt my heart beating quite fast and my palms were getting sweatier despite the freezing temperature in the building. She opened the door but did not look at me, talking to someone behind her.

'Yes, but mother said she wanted these in blue- Oh, Zoe. Hi!' She said, her voice indicating surprise. It was natural; I had not treated her in a way that promised a visit to her house any time soon. I stood there silent, waiting for her to make the first move.

'Yes, um, come in!' Hannah opened the door wider and made room for me to walk in the apartment. I saw a few people were already there, sitting around the wooden table behind the couch, with a couple of notebooks and a lot of papers in front of them. I got slightly jealous seeing that Hannah had friends over.

'Zoe, this is Mark, Katie, George and Jackie. They are helping me organize the New Year's Eve ball.' My smile got wider once I realized that these people were nothing more than Hannah's employees. 'Yes, sounds fancy, I know.' She took my hand, which I reluctantly gave her, and lightly dragged me to her bed. It was quite clear that she too wanted to talk to me and that she did not want others to hear.

I noticed Hannah was terribly nervous; biting her lip furiously, playing with the rings on her fingers and avoiding my stare. Not once in the time I had spent with her had she shown anything but pure happiness and joy. A sudden rush of regret washed over me thinking I had caused Hannah's immense nervousness.

'Look, I am sure you had your reasons not to tell me what happened and why you disappeared. And though it hurt me quite a lot, I should not have spoken to you like that and for that I am sorry.' There was a pause in that moment. My brain was trying to figure out what I should say next and Hannah was looking at me with an open mouth and teary eyes. 'And I would only hope to spend the rest of the holidays with you?' I was reluctant. I did not know if she wanted to be with me and, to be honest, I was afraid that she would be angry at me.

All of my worries disappeared when Hannah leaped over to me and wrapped her arms around me for the tightest hug I had ever received. She started crying as soon as I hugged her back, and a few tears escaped my eyes. Once she pulled away I saw her smiling and I was more than sure she was mirroring my huge smile.