Hopeless

XXII

"Never lose hope. Storms make people stronger and never last forever." — Roy T. Bennett

'I think about you.'

Four words.

These nauseating four words were stuck replaying in my mind for however long I stood across from him. He was actually standing there, he actually said that sentence. It wasn't some messed-up part of my brain that created that insane scenario. I wasn't dreaming either.

Was he crazy? My mouth had gone dry and suddenly, going walking around the mall for three hours with Hannah for the fourth time that week seemed heavenly. I cussed myself for not going with her. But the afternoon was chilly and my favorite animation movie was playing on the TV. I couldn't leave my home even if I wanted to.

And now Ian was standing in front of me with red eyes, red cheeks and parted lips saying that he thinks about me. I almost laughed; but I kept it in. I didn't want to make him feel worse than he was probably already feeling.

He just looked at me. He uttered those four words and then he waited for my response. A response I couldn't give to him.

I searched and searched for the right words to say but I couldn't find myself coming up with anything good to tell him. He thinks about me. And what about it? I did not care, why would I? I didn't have such implied feelings for Ian, didn't even like him that much. Other than the strictly physical need that appeared when he touched me, he had zero affect on me.

'You think about me.' I stated and he gave me a nod. 'You have a fiancée.' I tried reasoning with him but he seemed to have already thought about it before knocking on my door on a Friday night.

I wondered what Dido knew of his whereabout. What did he tell her? Did she think he was out for milk, out with friends or had he already told her about what he thought he felt for me?

Only picturing the scene of that made my stomach turn.

'I know.' I know he knew. I just hoped that would wake him up and he'd start running to his house; a house he shared with a woman he was supposed to love.

I was hopeless; I didn't know why I always seemed to find myself in these situations. I had no single idea of how to handle that, what to say to him and how I should act. Start screaming? Take it easy? Shut the door on his stupid face?

'I...'

'Just tell me if you think about me too.' Yes. But in a totally different way than how it would come out.

I only thought of him when I was angry after he'd tried to kiss me. Or when Hannah mentioned him once while packing. Nothing more, nothing less.

'No.' I finally said, thinking it was the best way to get this over and done with. It wasn't. He wanted more. They always want more. No one seemed to be satisfied by me these days and it started to drive me crazy. Hannah, though always discreet, wasn't satisfied with the time we were spending together, Dylan wasn't satisfied with the lack of participation in packing, aunt Maria wasn't satisfied with anything.

And Ian wasn't satisfied with my answer. The one he wanted to know in the first place.

'Why?'

Indeed, why? I didn't know. He was good-looking and treated me like shit; a trait I discovered I liked in men.

I wanted to think about him, in all honesty. It would take my mind off things that bothered me. But my heart wouldn't let me. It had put a stop to it since the moment I decided to leave for England. Turns out some people can easily ignore stop signs.