Saudade

3

I think being stuck in my house all day made it even easier to day dream and play "imagine" with myself when it came to my future with everything.

When it came to my dream job, my dream house, my dream family and especially my dream lover. He makes it easy for me to imagine a "dream lover." Because he is it. He is that lover.

I feel like i was thriving just being home. I have a whole skincare routine thanks to tiktok and I occasionally get high and just become very open minded.

It feels so nice to be open minded with someone and with him, high or not. I'm always honest and always allow him to know all my curious thoughts.

You might get mad at me so fair warning.

I still haven't seen his face. I know, I know number one sign of being cat fished. It's also the number one thing you should ask for so you know for sure who it is you're talking to and spilling all this information out to as well.

The thing is, all my life I felt like boys and girls used me physically. It felt nice for someone to not pressure me to show myself off and I didn't want to pressure him to show me himself either. I didn't want to risk our relationship in any way. Even if that meant is not seeing what either of us looked like. I just enjoyed the connection so much I didn't care about his looks.

If it didn't bother him i wasn't going to allow it to bother me. I was just happy someone wanted to talk to me just to talk to me. It wasn't based on anything physically but just on raw feelings and thoughts we shared with each other.

I'm also pansexual. I like someone solely based on the connection and the energy that's exchanged between one another. I have never dated someone based on looks. I have liked girls and boys. I've dated girls and boys. I very much enjoy dating people for who they soulfully are and not what they are.

Truthfully, I always thought I'd marry a girl. Even my step mom thought so.

I say this, because I feel the most connected with girls and I feel the most confident being with a girl. Just the power that two girls, together can hold is just honestly magical and I love it.

That was until him though, I started to see my future so differently. I started to actually be okay with naming a son after him. Which by the way, I hate that. I hate that a women carries a baby for 10 month and then pushes them out just to have the kid named after their dad. If the kid should be named after anyone, it should be the mother.

The thing is he changed that, because this man, is someone I would love my kid to be named after. He sees me as his equal and not as someone lower than him. Weaker than him.

He was becoming mine just as much as I was becoming his.