[✔] lightbulb » lee taeyong & na jaemin

ch. 46

whelve: to bury something deep; to hide

» kwan ara's pov // present »

taeyong and i were still living together despite breaking up. it was such a strange thing to think about, considering how long we had been together. it felt like i had a hole in my heart, but one that made me feel lighter, if that made sense. he had taken too many things away from me, but by letting him go, it was going to benefit the both of us. now, i was just waiting for him to move out.

i was now at home alone, scrolling on my phone.

texting jaemin, i sent him a, hey! wanna come over? :)

an angry snort behind me startled me, making me quickly stand up and face the person. taeyong.

he grabbed my phone and angrily reread the message. "jaemin? coming over without me here? i fucking knew you were cheating on me. you wouldn't break up with me for no reason."

i snatched my phone back and turned it off. "you have NO right to decide who and who doesn't come over to MY fucking house, lee taeyong. you should be grateful i haven't kicked you out yet."

"YOU should be grateful that i haven't stopped paying for our house," he shouted back. "you ungrateful whore."

tears ran down my face as he kept on shouting. "i would never cheat on you," i whispered. "i loved you so much."

"LOVED?!" he shouted, but then quickly sobered up. "ara," he said softly, making my heart break a little more, "please." he got on his knees and grabbed my hands, pressing them into his forehead.

"don't touch me," i said, but his grip stayed tight.

"ara, i love you."

i teared up. "then don't hit me."

he became immediately angry, and his head whipped up to glare at me. "and if i do?"

"i'll leave you. in every way possible."

he laughed. "you wouldn't dare. because if you do, i'll kill myself. i only live for you."

i paused. "no. you can't do that to me, taeyong. i cannot carry your burden if i'm being punished along with you."

he sighed. "i love you."

"no, " i said firmly.

he nodded. "fine."

"see, taeyong? look at what just happened now. we...we think we love each other but how our relationship works...it can't be this way."

"please," he begged, changing his demeanor again. "i'll change for you."

"that's what i've hoped for the past two years. if you couldn't treat me right from the beginning, then what makes me think you'll treat me right now? nobody should stay in an abusive"—taeyong flinched at the word—"relationship, just waiting and hoping for change. i can't stay, hoping that you'll change. i can't stay with you, for your health and mine. i hope you understand..." i was trembling.

"please—please don't," he begged, begged, begged. "i need you, ara. you keep me human." he was holding onto my hands even tighter. "please," he begged.

a single tear fell down his cheek.

"without you, i'm nothing."

i started sobbing, harder than i ever had before.

"we can't, taeyong, if you ever loved me the way i did, please let me go..."

taeyong stood up and hugged me, making me lose my breath and my thoughts filled with his scent.

i could not tell him that i was pregnant with his child.

——

» kwan ara's pov // days ago »

miyeon came home with a plastic bag filled with pregnancy tests. jaemin was out for the day, and she knew now was a better time than ever to make sure i wasn't pregnant.

"miyeon?" i said quietly as she walked me to the bathroom, "i'm scared."

she smiled at me. "it's okay, baby. i'm here. we just have to make sure you're not pregnant since you've been giving off some symptoms lately, okay? it'll be quick, easy, and harmless. and if you want, i'll even come in the bathroom with you. i don't care."

i teared up, resisting the urge to call her mom or roll up into a ball and cry in her arms. "okay. can you come in with me?"

she nodded. "of course, baby."

i was trembling as i sat on the toilet. closing my eyes, i peed on the stick.

a few minutes later, the stick reported what i dreaded most. and the next, and the next, and the next, until i used every stick in the previously full bag.

i was pregnant.

——

» kwan ara's pov // present »

i had gotten a therapist for taeyong, despite his refusal. he needed medical attention, and now i was at my limit. in fact, i had moved out to live with miyeon. jaemin had mysteriously moved back into his house.

as miyeon was at work, a knock at the door made me groggily wake up from my nap and open the door. there was jaemin, looking as great as ever.

"hey." he smiled cheekilly. "i wanted to talk to you."

"about what?"

"our relationship."

i invited him in and shut the door behind him. "oh?"

he blushed a little. "well, you know the last convo we had in person?"

"mhm."

"did you ever, uh, think about, uhm, us?"

i sighed. "i'm not in the place to look for a relationship. me and taeyong just broke it off–"

"WHAT." he jumped and grabbed my hands, the same ones taeyong cried on. "you guys did WHAT?"

i rolled my eyes, slightly annoyed. "we broke up, okay, jaemin? i did it, and he thinks it's because i cheated on him with you." hearing my tone, his happy smile fell. "so i'm sorry, but i'm not going to be anybody's anything except a friend."

"do you...not like me?" he furrowed his eyebrows.

i threw my hands up, exasperated. why do men? "jaemin, i like you, but currently, i really don't love myself, and i can't do that to you. so if you were willing to wait..."

"of course," he said quickly. "can i hug you?"

i leaned in for a hug, regretting how i lashed out. "thank you."

——

» kwan ara's pov // present »

lately, taeyong had been doing more therapy. as a result, he would always come home bitter but calm. i could only hope that the therapy and newly prescribed medicine were working.

unfortunately for me, abortion was very looked down upon, especially after a sixty-six year ban that was recently lifted. i had support from miyeon to whatever i want, and support from jaemin too, but i was still all over the place.

although, even more unfortunately for me, i had fallen in love with my baby.