The Journey Towards Yourself

Chapter 12

"Gwen stop, please.  Slow down. We need to talk."  His voice hoarse of desperation.  I spin around so fast he almost falls over his feet to stop.

            "Talk? You want to talk?  I gave you the chance to talk and you didn't take it.  We are not friends.  We never were.  I don't want to talk with you," I shove his shoulder, "I don't want your pity just because you heard about what I did to myself after you yelled at me.  Who do you think you are, coming here and asking to fucking talk?  I don't want you to apologize.  Keep it to yourself because I know you won't mean it."  I've never sworn like that before and it's exhilarating.

            Jackson takes a step forward.  Impulsively I step backward.  His breathe shakes as he whispers, "I don't.  I don't want to apologize."

            My eyes widen.  I know I said I don't want his apologies but for god's sake, I am a girl and I always mean the opposite of what I am saying. 

            Sometimes I am a pain in my own ass.

            "What?"  Afraid to look into his eyes, I avert them anywhere elsewhere.  My hands rubbing my forearms covering the cuts.

            Jackson notices how uncomfortable I am.  He looks down at my hands rubbing my arms.  He swiftly reaches out and takes my arm in a quick swift motion.

            "What are you- stop it!" I try to pull back but he is too strong.  He has already flipped my arm over and revealed what haunts me everyday.  The battle scars that have hurt me but have still helped me through everyday.

            He releases my arm once he's done examining the cuts and rolls up his own sleeve.  I see that there are many old and fresh cuts on his wrist.

            He points to the most likely oldest one, "My mother died when I was 7, that was the night the beating started."

            His eyes hard.  His breathe rigid and shaken, but he still points out the next one.

            I confusingly try to understand what he is trying to do.

            "New years.  Age 12 my father drank too much and shoved me into a washing machine.  Turned it on.  I still have the scars on my stomach."

            "Why are you telling me this?"

            He hushes me and continues.  "When I was 15, I was constantly pushing myself to be what my father wanted, but when I came to realization that I couldn't be who my father imagined me to be, so I," he chokes up.  There were tears in his eyes. ", I tried to take my life."

            Why?  Why is he telling me this?  This isn't something you go around telling people just to get their forgiveness. 

            "Wha-Wh- I don't understand."

            "Shhh. You don't need to understand.  No one will understand.  I didn't tell you this just for you to forgive me.   I told you this because I'm scared.  I'm scared because god dammit Gwen.  I can't believe how I can feel like I can trust you with anything.  I've never felt like that before and I lashed out because I-I-"

            Before he could say anything else I took his hands in mine.  Risky move for me.

            "That one," I say pointing to the smallest scar on my arm, "I was 14.  Freshmen year. I just got this app that our whole school was crazy about, all my friends talked about it for weeks.  It's an app where people can write anonymous things.  Some are funny but some are just horrible.  I was the topic of the week.  Being the fattest girl in school, people had some pretty funny jokes about me," I sickeningly laugh at the memory even though it wasn't funny at all.

"Listen here Gwen Summers, having a big ass and big boobs doesn't count if you're fat!!"

 

"Yo GS ever heard of a gym?  You should hit one."

 

"I could probably hibernate in Gwen's fat rolls!  Anybody up for a sleepover?  Bring nose plugs cause it might get a little smelly in there."

 

"Guess who is the humpty dumpty of South West High is?  Can you guess? *Cough* Gwen Summers *Cough*"

 

"Homecoming is coming up!  Who's gonna be the unfortunate loser who gets asked by GS."

 

            Those words.  Those words began it all.  Began all the taunting and mocking.  That was only the beginning.  Things got so much worse after that.

            "Oh Gwen.  I'm sorry."

            I shake my head quickly.  No pity.  I get enough of that from my parents.  Who I haven't seen in a while. I asked them to give me plenty of space but it's been so long without seeing them that it hurts.

            "Don't say you're sorry.  You can't be sorry for things that you didn't do."

            Before Jackson could get another word in a door down the hall opens.

            "Gwen.  What is taking you so long?"  She whips her head around to see me by Derricks door.  "Come on!  You're time is almost over.  Let's go."

            "I'm talking to-" I turn back around but Jackson wasn't there anymore.

            Long time no write ladies and gentlemen!  This is just a small chapter and I hoped you enjoyed it.  Give me some feedback in the comments!