Saudade

5

It was my birthday and he hasn't texted me all day. My mom and I keep arguing and every time I try to be positive 3 seconds later it gets ruined.

Every birthday I have cried. Since I was five, I have always cried.

He told me my birthday would go good. I wouldn't cry.
We'd ft. We'd both eat a cupcake so it feels like we're closer together. We'd talk and talk for hours but this time we'd see each other. We'd hear each other.

We would finally reveal ourselves on FaceTime for my birthday.

I cried and cried any given chance I could. I cried in the backseat. I cried in the restroom. I was teary eyed when I blew out my candles.
Wishing he would text me back. Looking back at it, it's pretty pathetic I wasted my birthday wish on a text back and to meet this person I'm falling for.

It took him until 8pm to text me finally. To finally tell me happy birthday.

The thing is it was already about to be a new day for him. My birthday was pretty much over.

Once again, a birthday where all I do is cry.

Him: "Mea I am so so sorry I got caught up with things and I couldn't get on my phone. I had so much going on. "

Me : "are you okay? Are you safe ? Where are you?"

my main concern was making sure he was okay. I was no longer mad when he finally texted.
I let out a sigh of relief and instantly felt better when I saw he texted me.

I didn't even care that it took him a whole day. I didn't even push it really. I felt like he didn't owe me anything. We weren't dating and we are just "virtual" friends who have talked everyday for two months and casually would flirt.

I told myself not to push it, to just enjoy the conversations I did have with him. I always felt so alone and he helped me feel heard and cared about.

So, I didn't push it. I let it be and just went with the flow. It's okay that I didn't see his face. It's okay that I didn't hear his voice

Though I so badly wanted to..