Falling - Hyunlix

The Scales

He can't believe he did that. He can't actually believe he was so so so stupid ! It's over for him, oh god it's over. Felix can feel the questions that are coming for him, the forlorn and miserable glances he'll receive. It's almost certain that Chan will talk in that one soft voice that's meant to lull him into spilling everything, he won't fall for it. No no no he can't. He can't let anyone know about well...everything. About the fasting, the starving, the throwing up lovingly made meals. It's all coming undone like the fickle thread of a poorly made spiderweb.

He hadn't meant to, honest. Felix had stood on the scale that morning, clothes discarded in a messy heap on the icy tiles as he stared morosely at the red number blinking up at him. He hated that his whole world was determined by the number on the scale. It was destroying him from the inside out. That damn scale.

48 kg.

He was 48 kg.

That was a mere bmi of 16.4 and yet...he felt like he had accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. All of his effort and he felt like he had nothing for it. He could lose more. He could get worse. He wants to get worse. He wants to drag himself deeper. It's like someone is beckoning him further and further into a cavern of illness - Felix wants to be sicker. No one can stop him either. Recently the restriction had made him different...he got upset easily, snapped more at the members, his world was crashing down and he didn't even want to stop it. Just last week it had been the late hours of the night - the sky that seeped through the window watched him scornfully as he hunched over the toilet bowl. Fingers that were now more thin and slender than before were jammed down his throat, the retching sounds filled the room like water in a sink. Hyunjin was awake because oh of course he was. He just had to hear didn't he? He knocked delicately on the door, calling Felix's name out softly.

"Felix are you okay? Are you sick?"

He stills, flushing the guilty remnants of the whatever meal he was made to eat earlier all the way down the toilet. In that moment, Felix didn't see the love and care meant to be taken from the words, he just saw Hyunjin ruining his progress. Nobody was meant to know. They weren't meant to hear him throwing up his last meal, they weren't meant to notice him skipping meals, they weren't meant to be handing him little bits of food full of calories and fat. They just weren't meant to know.

"Yeah, fine," was Felix's answer.

Of course he wasn't fine, far from it. What person who is fine spends their days crying over numbers on the scale, having breakdowns on the bathroom tiles and punching walls out of pure frustration. He wakes up every morning not sure if he even feels real. He stares at himself in the mirror, gaunt collar bones poking through his skin yet it's not enough. He's never enough.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Jinnie just leave me alone. It's annoying."

The sharp tone of his voice shocks him, it was like a feral bite passing over his tongue.

Oh god he shouldn't have said that - fuck that was an awful thing to say...Hyunjin seemed to shuffle, perhaps not quite sure if he should leave or not. He did. He left.

That was last week, now he had lost even more. He would continue losing.

Next it will be 45 kg, and then it'll be 44 kg and he'll keep going lower and lower and lower. He wants that right? In the most sick and twisted part of his mind, Felix likes the attention. He likes being worried about; he likes to ignore the frequent glances the other members give him. Maybe they talk about him when he isn't there...

Of course they worry. Or maybe...it isn't worry. Maybe it's jealousy. Maybe they're envious that Felix is losing more and more weight and they aren't.

Soon enough he'll be emaciated and skeletal, so pretty. He feels over his chest bones in an almost weirdly sick and admiring way, it feels comforting to know that he can do this to himself. When it gets worse and when control becomes a grey area, he'll be fragile like a doll, and nobody can stop him. He's in control now.