The Life I Lived

Chapter One

The sound of the coffee pot whistling, the bacon sizzling, and the distant shower running was an everyday morning routine for me. I turned off the pot and made one thermos full of black coffee, just the way he likes it. I sped up making breakfast as soon as I heard the shower shut off, knowing he doesn't like to wait.

As soon as the last piece of bacon was out I heard a faint whimper coming from the second bedroom. Grabbing the bottle from the warmer that was already ready to go, I headed over towards the tiny little human I created a few months ago. I was greeted with a grin and a lot of squirming when the bottle was in his view.

"Good Morning little man," I said to him, handing him his bottle that he instantly grabbed and starting drinking his breakfast. I ran my hand through his light blonde hair and then headed back towards the kitchen.

"Good Morning," I say to the man now standing by the stove, eyeing breakfast.

"Hey, I don't have time this morning," he responds as he grabs his thermos and walks past me to say goodbye to our son. I started putting breakfast away, putting all the used dishes into the sink and then I heard the back door close. The second he left I let out a deep breath that I wasn't unaware I was holding.

The day usually goes by super quick with clean up, laundry, read while Nate naps and then care for him when he is up. Feedings, changing, playtime, feeding, changing, bath and before I know it its bedtime. Laying him down in his crib, sound asleep, is my favorite moment of the day because he just looks so peaceful and happy. It gives me a sense that I did good today, by him.

The struggle of raising a child is real. You lose yourself trying to do everything for them and sometimes you need a break. It takes a village right? Well in this case, it's just me. I come from a broken family, with so many scars I lost count. Then I found Alex. The father of my child, the man of my dreams. He worked so much every day to support us and I was always grateful. But I always had selfish thoughts that I wanted him to be around more. I simply missed him.

My phone rarely makes a sound but when it does, I know it's him.

Working late, is all he wrote.

Okay honey. I miss you! I love you! I simply replied. 

Setting my phone to charge, I return to finish folding the last of today's laundry. Placing things exactly where the need to go, because of my OCD. Once everything is in its place, I grab a change of clothes and head into my modernized bathroom with a hint of bamboo accessories. The memory foam carpet feels amazing beneath my bare feet. I start the water, remove my glasses and undress completely. Pulling the shower curtain back I hesitate but step in. I don't tend to shower often, I rather bathe. But the risk of Stasiu waking up, needing me, shower is quicker.

The scorching hot water ran down my face and started to wash the day away. I placed my hands against the tile in front of me and leaned in, allowing the water to hit my back. Clenching my hands, I began to silently cry. The memories play over in my head when the scarred skin beneath my tattoos have that contact. The flashes of pain remind me that I am alive. That I exist. It's honestly the only thing that does that for me.