With A Grain Of Salt

The Chosen One

"I understand not that I'm not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I can explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, 'For the same reason I laugh so often because I'm paying attention.'"
- Glennon Doyle Melton

I like to think that there are still genuine, kind-hearted people in this world but time after time I am proven otherwise.
My whole life I have been put to the side, excluded, "saved for later". I used to feel like I wasn't good enough.
My mother and father met in high school in the early 90's. They graduated together in '95 and my father went off to be in the marines. My mother stayed in Gary focused on cosmetology school. As the new millennium came closer they both decided that now was the time to bring a new life into this world. Conceived Valentines Day 2000 , born 11/22/2000.
My father had gone to prison a few months before I was born for armed robbery leaving my mother to give birth alone. Very random, I know. He used to write long-winded letters to my mom and I.
I remember being in awe watching my mom read all those tiny cursive words to me. She would read all four pages over and over whenever I asked her to.
He was released when I was 7 and moved to Dallas with my auntie. He rarely made an effort to contact me. Maybe occasionally on my birthday or on father's day probably only once a year. I kind of miss those phone calls. My father used to sing beautifully and I remember always asking him to sing to me and he would ask me to sing with him. He was a real wholesome dude back then. I finally got to meet him in person when I was 9 when my auntie in Chicago put me on a plane to my auntie in Dallas to surprise my dad. When I saw him I didn't feel any different, I didn't know what to feel really because I didn't know that man. I think the feeling was mutual. It was awkward especially since he had some crackhead hoe following him around trying to be all buddy buddy with me. Yeah real weirdo. After that ordeal I didn't see him or talk to him for another 7 years. That was until 2016 when my grandfather passed away. After 16 years my dad finally came back to Gary where my grandfather and grandmother still lived. He decided to stay up north from then on.
Fast forward to 2020. Sadly this was the first and last time I saw him after the funeral. I won't get too much into detail but when I explained to him that i was hurt by the fact that i almost died due to medical complications without him in my life and he basically told me that he didn't care if I died or not. "Would've, Could've, Should've"
Is the last thing I heard him say to me before I turned my back on him for good.

My mom and I don't have the best relationship because most of my childhood I was put to the side for a man. At least thats how I felt. He was about 10 years older than my mother who already had about 4 other kids by multiple women. When I was younger and couldn't speak up for myself she would allow him to treat me any kind of way. For example, if there was one cookie left and I asked for it he would ask my younger sister (his daughter) , Leilah if she wanted it instead. He once took money out of my piggy bank when Leilah clearly had more than me. He ripped pages out of my diary when I was 9 because i wrote about him and my sister. Just petty shit like that. My mom lets anything fly with this man.
Apart from that .. Don't get me wrong, my childhood was not a bad one. My mom had two more kids with her man (whose name shall not be mentioned) . I love my siblings to death we're the epitome of close siblings and they are the reason I keep pushing. We were raised in a very affectionate household and we were taught that there's nothing more important than love and following Jehovah.

My late grandmother, Cynthia, taught us about Jehovah at a young age. My mother also knew Jehovah and taught us as well. I'm grateful for being one of the few that know the truth and actually live by it. Knowing Jehovah is only the first step but living by Jehovah is a whole other ball game. Letting him guide me though life has given me so much perseverance and he has filled me with enough love for not only myself but anyone I come around. I never get tired of the feeling I get just knowing I am close to God. I feel so special just knowing I am highly favored.
_________________

She is dangerous when she is hurt. She can easily destroy everything around her but she doesn't. Instead, she destroys herself.

- Unknown

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June 2018

My mom and I had got into a big argument because she would always let her baby daddy speak for her on my behalf and I wasn't having it anymore. She even went as far as calling the police on me because he told her to. When the police arrived, they told my mother "It seems like you're the crazy one here, don't call us back." After the police left, my mom and her boyfriend continued to argue. "She be in the mall every weekend and cant even afford a pair of panties". Very bold statement from someone who stole money from me. Everything just seemed so unfair. I called my best friend KaJuan that night and cried my self to sleep.

The next morning I was awaken by the sound of metal creaking. As i slowly opened my eyes I realized it was my mother trying to climb onto the top bunk of my bet to take my phone from under my pillow. "You didn't even buy this phone" I remembered saying. "I don't care my house, my rules." she said sternly . After that, I went in her room to get my phone. She tried pushing me up stairs but all I saw was red. I knew I had to leave but I had no where to go and even if I did I would need my phone. When I couldn't find it I improvised and took my moms 2nd phone along with her food stamp card.

She threatened to call the police and kick me out not knowing I had already had what I needed. I texted my boyfriend , Jordan and asked where he was. "I'm on 4 9.", he replied. "Ight bet i'm on the way some shit just happened and I need to get out this house asap", I insisted. I ended up walking about 4 blocks to meet him and his cousin. "Hey pretty, what happened now ?" he greeted me with concern. "Man my mama tripping again she took my phone and some more shit." I replied.