[✔] lightbulb » lee taeyong & na jaemin

ch. 48

sapiosexual: one who is attracted to intelligence in others

» author's pov // present »

the burial would begin. a hearse took taeyong's casket to the cemetery after ara, miyeon, and taeyong's parents had the honor of carrying the casket into the vehicle.

as they arrived, the hole was already dug, and the funeral workers began tying the casket to wires so that they could easily lower it later. the mourners began lining up to toss gifts in. there were flowers, pictures, etc.

ara came forward to throw in her martial arts uniform and belts. she wouldn't need them anymore. she threw in all the pictures and polaroids they took together. there were so many memories being thrown onto the casket, and she finally placed his most recent gift to her on the casket. the locket he had gotten her so long ago. she had never taken it off.

"remember me, taeyong."

miyeon also tossed many items onto the casket, but ara was too agitated to look at them. she didn't want to know what memories taeyong had made with miyeon.

he abused her–and you. so why are you here? her thoughts asked mockingly. she shook them off. she didn't deserve to think about that at his funeral, especially when she felt responsible for his death.

a beep beep beep from the casket lowering device brought her back to reality.

miyeon and ara moved back, holding onto each other's hands. they waited for the casket to be completely lowered, tantalizingly slow. it was dead silent except for the occasional sniffle.

there was a small thud as the casket hit the dirt, and the workers began to undo the straps. a machine came through to pour dirt over the casket, and as ara watched the dirt bury taeyong forever, she suddenly screamed.

but the burying continued, until the dirt was packed tight into the ground. ara ran forward and collapsed right onto it, sobbing and hugging herself as she mourned the death of her first love.

——

» kwan ara's pov // days later »

i was at miyeon's house. we had been living together since taeyong's death.

we took care of each other, trying to overcome the trauma and sadness. sometimes, i missed taeyong, and sometimes i hated him. miyeon seemed to feel a lot more bitter hate than sadness.

i stopped eating long ago, but miyeon personally fed me and forced me to eat, enough to stay alive.

"for me. do it for me and jaemin, and your baby," she repeated. i looked down at my stomach. with everything going on and losing the father, did my baby really want to live? should i have aborted it sooner? it was too late though. i sent silent prayers to the universe to let me be strong and raise my baby well.

at night, i cuddled with miyeon. her body warmth gave me a reminder that i was alive. she became my lifeline.

jaemin had told me about what he talked to miyeon about. their relationship. but despite the tension, he moved back in and stayed in the guest room. he worked all the time to make money, and after a few days of mourning, miyeon went back to work as well. never did they leave me home alone though.

i craved some alone time, but at the same time, i was worried about what i would do if i was alone so i never complained.

jaemin ended up selling my home for the extra money, and all of taeyong's items went into the attic. he would also wake up early to cook breakfast and dinner ahead of time and sleep late because he cleaned the house everyday.

jaemin was a truly good person.

——

» kwan ara's pov // the next week »

my divorced parents were back together.

they came to visit me, glowing and holding hands at the door. of course, i invited them in, but had kept my hands clenched in a fist.

"he–" taeyong, i realized, "–brought us together. we will miss him," my mom said, as if dad hadn't left her with an eating disorder.

i was angry at them for being happy when i was miserable.

"we realized that we still loved each other, and that life is too short to wait. so we're back! as a family of three!" my dad said.

"okay? and? why should i care? i just lost my boyfriend of so many years. don't fucking try to make me happier."

their eyes widened. after all, they had never heard me speak to them like this.

my mom raised a shaky hand. "but darling, aren't you happy–"

"NO! i'll never be happy again. my first love, mom, my first love. i feel like i've lost half of myself. leave, NOW," i shouted.

i knew i was being dramatic but how dare they show their faces after being nonexistent in their childhood, thanking taeyong's death for bringing them together? did they expect me to smile and congratulate them, wishing good riddance for somebody's death because at least they're together?

i watched as their faces fell, and they left with just a curt nod. jaemin walked in, coming home from work. from the look on my face, he could tell something was wrong.

"i was supposed to save taeyong," i whispered. "and i failed."

jaemin set down his bag and came over to hug me.

——

» kwan ara's pov // one month later »

it was my first time visiting taeyong's grave. now, there wasn't just a header but an actual tombstone with a picture of him. he wasn't smiling, but he looked carefree enough. i had walked here alone, wanting some time with just my thoughts and i.

i walked around the grave, wiping his tombstone. a couple tears fell down, but i didn't cry–not really. i was done with tears.

when i finished wiping his tombstone, i sat down on the dirt and began telling him about my favorite memories of us.

——

going home, i felt much freer and happier than i had in a while.

i decided that i wanted to look through taeyong's items, but when i got to the attic, it was scarce. everything was gone except for a couple of small boxes in the corner. as i got closer, i saw there was a "for sale" sign on top of the boxes, and i realized then that they–miyeon and jaemin–had been selling all of taeyong's stuff.

i knocked the boxes aside and opened all of them fervently. i felt like i was going crazy.

"ara?" jaemin called from behind me. "what's with the noise?"

i turned around and attacked him. i pounded his chest, yelling and screaming at him. he simply stayed still and winced. slowly, my shouts turned into sobs.

"i can't let him go; i can't let him know that i'm forgetting him already."

"you're not," jaemin said. he was breaking her heart, being so comforting.

she sobbed with her head on the box.

he hadn't brought up their relationship ever since he knew she was pregnant and mourning, but he decided that later, in the future, he would try again.

he would always wait for her.