These days feel different than usual.
And he wished it didn't have to do with his friends.
But of course it did, because just when life was starting to look bright it goes right downhill again. When he feels a pang in his heart he tries to ignore it, and when he's away from his friends he tries to block it out with schoolwork. But at night he can't run away from the thoughts. He can't, and when he thinks about why it was even there he wishes he could stay clueless.
He was jealous of Nagitos and Chiakis friendship. When he's hanging out with just one of them he manages to get along just fine, but when it's the three of them he's always off to the side feeling forced to just listen. He tells himself he's being silly, that they're his friends, he's allowed to say something. But he wants to be acknowledged first, he wants to know if they want to talk to him. And so he waits and waits and waits...
...for nothing.
Then he'd look around him. People in groups of three or more, all laughing and talking together. All reminiscing on moments they had together. He wonders why they can't do that. He wonders why he has to sit in front of them to be seen, why he has to force himself to talk to be remembered.
Wait
Force himself to talk? When did he have to do that? When you're with friends shouldn't you feel comfortable to talk to them? Could he even... consider them friends at this point? No... no now he's just being ridiculous. But do friends act like this with one another?
...
Friends...
He wonders what you'd have to do be considered one. It use to be so easy when he was younger, you'd talk to someone and that was all it took be a friend. Now all the sudden it feels like it takes a lot of work to be a friend and he wasn't sure how to even began that. It's probably why he ended up being alone most of his life. Which was why he was so grateful he met Chiaki and Nagito... now he's not even sure if he could still call himself their friend.
Everything was fine at first. He wasn't really sure when it started. They still sit at the fountain they meet up at everyday. Then they'd sit at the bench and start talking, and he'll say something here and there. But it feels so fake. He feels so fake. He wishes he was like them, funny, interesting, and kind. But he's not. He's boring, average, and blunt. And over the years he became quiet, only speaking when he's supposed to. Of course his friends helped him open up a little, but at this point he feels like he's going to fall back into that shy guy Chiaki met one evening.
He feels like he's going backwards in life, and he wished he wasn't. This wasn't how he wanted things to be. He didn't want to get jealous every time they lean into each other's ears to whisper something he can't hear. He didn't want to get jealous every time they laugh at something he doesn't understand. He doesn't want to get jealous every time they're doing something together without him. He doesn't want to feel this way, yet he can't stop these feelings that manage to eat him up every time. He feels so left out around them these days. And oh, how he wished he didn't.
It's so stupid he thinks, he shouldn't even be feeling this way. Being jealous over your own friends getting along... how insecure do you have to be to act like that? It's bad. It's bad, he knows it is. And yet... he still feels this way.
And it doesn't just stop at school, even when he's on social media he still ends up feeling this way. He'd see people posting about things they did with their friends together. He would remember Chiaki and Nagito and wonder if they'll ever get to do things together like that, if they'll invite him to their outings someday. Then he feels so, so lonely, because he knows they probably never will and suddenly he feels envious of everyone who gets to experience these things. And then it got worse when he started seeing pictures of places Chiaki and Nagito went together.
