DANCING WITH YOUR GHOST

HER MISERY

Monami kept clenching onto karan's signature red hoody as close to her heart as she could, as she stood by the window of her room. Her roommate cum friend who also happened to be one of her trainer, Sanjana was deep asleep. The cool breeze of July night were blowing Monami's bangs and her shoulder length hair slowly here and there and seeing no reaction of Monami putting them back at it's place. Monami was standing still deep lost in her thoughts didn't even realized that the unknown to her a small tear had escaped her eyes and made it's way to reach her checks now. And that sudden sensation of a tear falling off her eyes and now falling on her hand, broke Monami's stance. Even Monami didn't knew how many more such tears were dying to make their way out. Each night many such tears would escape the prison of her big beautiful dark brown eyes and make their way out sometimes on Monami's pillow and sometimes to her cheeks. To be honest even Monami was tried of pretending to be okay when she wasn't. And how could she be. That one day changed her life forever. And now all she is left with is silence and this feeling of voidness inside her. Now she had made peace with this feeling of emptiness in her heart. Poor Monami she didn't had any option she had to.

After karan's death Monami wasn't even given the time to mourn properly. The very moment she gained her senses Mr Batra, head of Parakram Special Agent Force Training Academy and Monami's inner anger had already signed her up for her next mission - to give justice to karan- find his murders. And in that process more than 2 months has passed. And hence hiding her emotions for so long and not addressing them on time had put Monami on even a poor state of mind. For anyone looking at Monami would say that there's hardly any change but only Monami knew how much efforts she had put in to put that fake smile on her face so flawlessly even when she wanted to cry her hearts out, only Monami knew the tornado of emotions inside her had already drowned much of her already and yet how beautifully she pretended to be all okay on surface. Well now that's we all have done at some point of time in our lives. How many times in life we have faked emotions and acted like we are all okay when we weren't, faked a smile when are hearts were crying out....just so that people around us believed we were all just all okay, faked emotions to escape their questions because we can not explain how terrible we are feeling, can't explain them what's wrong because we are ourselves are trying to figure what's wrong. But how long can one fake emotions, how long can one pretend to be okay when she's not. Because at the end of the day when it's you versus you, and you very well know that no matter now well you wear that mask of "I am perfectly alright" deep down inside each and every flesh of you knew that that's a lie. A real big lie.

Monami didn't knew what to do with this lie. Carry on with it till things actually start making sense. Wait what was left to make sense. After all her life dealing with this feeling of loneliness as first her mother died and then her father's ruthless behavior had already sucked much of life out of Monami and now when she had finally fell in love and things and life had started making sense to Monami. Her life was itself snatched as away from her. Monami felt terrible inside her own skin.

Monami knew that there's a hell of pain in side her waiting desperately to come out but what she didn't knew was how to handle her emotions. After all she was a human full of emotions before being a cadet or doctor. In fact she was more emotional than most around her. She wanted to scream her lungs out, but whenever she tried to open her mouth to scream, no voice could make its way out. Monami knew that something felt stuck in here in her heart but she didn't knew what was it. She knew that she was angry but what she didn't knew at whom. And what's worst part about emotions is that they make you feel every bit of it but when you aren't able to recognize them, you are bound to feel them way too deeply.

What happens when you don't acknowledge your emotions for a very long period of time is that they pile up and one fine day the load of those emotions become so damn heavy that you no longer are able to carry them any longer. But Monami was used to not acknowledging her emotions ever since childhood. Because when she first time started feeling things there was no one by her side to let her know what to do with these emotions as her mother was at some far off army camp site accompanying the soldiers on their missions as an army doctor and her father was at hospital that was his way of dealing with loneliness. Monami don't blame any of them. Her mother was carrying out her duty for her country and her father was himself lonely. But as a result of this loneliness Monami got used not allow her feelings to come one and as a result she always walked with a heart full of emotions but no one in reach to express them with. Sometimes parents unknowingly become the reason of their child's miserable state.