Book for my feelings

Chapter 4: scream

It hurts me , you see , knowing that you don't love me . It pains me to know that you don't care enough to look into why I can no longer talk to you . But that doesn't matter now , that's just the tip of the iceberg- the most problem I have is knowing that you'll always love them over me . That's what hurts. Not the ptsd I've gained, not the constant fear of being hit when I so much as look at you - but the fact that you'd scream at me to go away and go to bed- but kiss YOUR offspring and tell them good night... the outlier memory is when you and my mom were fighting, she was screaming about you choking her- my step sister was crying so hard- I just wanted to be brave and protect her . I went up at 12 in the night and knocked on your door with tears all over my face , my stepsister was crying too , but she was standing off at our room door.

That never mattered , it doesn't matter who was at your door- it was the fact that I was even there . You disgust me, scum , you yelled at me - cursed me out- I was a FUCKING CHILD FOR GODS SAKE . You know what you did next? You took my stepsister and hugged her , comforted her . You may think that you love us all equally- and that you've done your best for all of us , but you have never done jack shit for me - that's for sure. " but I gave you food , and clothes , and an education!" Don't even get me started , those are basic necessities that kids need . That came with the burden of a child , but you just mistake that for love: also a basic need , oh , but you failed at that too !

Also, you think that I don't remember when I was eleven ? That one thanksgiving when I was sleeping on the couch and it was 11 o'clock, and everyone except you were asleep ? When you thought I was dreaming , so you decided to reach for my pants ... I was trying to get away from you , I was practically trying to skoot so far into the crouch that I was almost fused with my stepsister, but that wasn't enough. You might say that you were pulling up my pants, but I knew that you were drunk, and I heard the conversation to my mom afterwards. How dare you tell me to start shaving at eleven ? You disgust me to a point of no return - and I can't wait to scream that hate into your face .