Reverent

The silence of sin and suffering.

Many people think that the exhaust from being told to kill yourself is the worst thing that you could possibly feel. Not really. It's really not the exhaust and the concept that does the trick to make someone feel worthless, no. I'm going to lay it down right here and flat out be straight forward because I know that this one thing is what has held down and bound up my heart for so long that I forgot how it felt to be elevated.... The devil. You may know him as that little red guy that tempts you to do things and watch things you don't like admitting, but I swear that I know and have figured out his deepest, most strongest and intimate weapon. The silence of sin and suffering. He uses all of these things to guilt trip us, almost like that weapon is triple edged and you just can't get rid of it without being cut. These blades are what are known as guilt and shame and regret. And I sure do know that he really hates this.... He hates that I am pouring all of this out, and I sure do know one more thing. That he is going to deal with it.

There's a way to numb this pain, a way to hold it down itself, but honestly that is of human nature and it actually still has you pinned down whether you want to realize it or not. Because honestly, throughout these fourteen years of being a living and breathing example of all wickedness and rebellion, I have learned that numbing doesn't work. Okay, and just because the doctor numbs the pain doesn't mean that the procedure isn't still going on. Alright, and just because you can't see the doctor doing his work because you are knocked out doesn't mean that he has any less control over what's going on.... It actually means that he has more control. Because you aren't doing a single thing about it, you can't feel anything, right? So you aren't worried. You think that if you don't feel it, there must be no harm...

We get to this place. This place of so much of a build up burden of sorrow and guilt that we really don't want to numb it anymore. We are tired of numbing it and not being able to see what exactly the doctor is doing to us... Once you go to this place, you are finally happy. You have no pain to numb because it once was here, yet it is somewhere else now. This place is peaceful, you no longer dread this life you were given. This place is what I like to call repentance. Theoretically speaking, it is the act of repenting; sincere regret or remorse.. But that's not saying much, I mean, it pretty much has the word itself in the definition... So, with my knowledge, wisdom, and understanding that I have gained within this experience, I can tell you that repentance is much more than that. Repentance isn't just saying sorry for what you've done... We weren't put here for just that one thing, no. We were put here for two things, and that is to give God glory by living according to His Word, and to enjoy Him forever. Living according to His Word doesn't mean to say sorry and move on.. It means to hand your literal, actual, physical, mental, and emotional life over to Him; letting Him take up those burdens. We weren't put here to suffer, although it seems like it. It's because we were born into a sinful and broken world. We are ALL torn and broken and we aren't to deal with all of this on our own... So we let HIM deal with it. That just puts me in a stance of confusion and not really full understanding... It's almost aggravating. The fact that we can't know what is meant to be unknown in this world.. I've learned that there are more questions than answers on earth. Answers that only belong in Heaven and that's what keeps a lot of us from fully being sure of this life, the fact that we have to live with these unanswered questions for the rest of this life. What we don't realize is how short this life is... In fact, at any second, you may be lifted up to the Kingdom... And if you aren't sure what your life is, maybe it's the dungeon... And at any second of OUR lives, we may ALL be lifted up... The day that Jesus calls us home to Him. But until then.. We have to stay sure, even if we are unsure of the places our minds wander and things our minds wonder. Security. Not only important in ourselves, but important in us together so that we are secure...