"in our second life"

intro

Okay. I don't actually know what I'm doing with my life. I question every move I make but I never really have an answer. Tired just so very tired. Of trying. I know everyone always says that I'm still young and that I barely lived yet but if im irratated at 15 then what about when I'm 20 .. It'll be harder for me and I just can't . I'm not even really sure wtf is wrong with me. I'm not sure what I want or who I love I'm not even sure if I love myself... According to society I'm not allowed to live unless I'm perfect. And mama always says to follow the rules so maybe I'll give another shot at living in our second life . maybe I'll be perfect then.. Maybe I'll be beautiful. And accepted.. Maybe I won't be the underdog maybe I won't be the bad influence or "the girl with the bad grades" maybe I'll be average height and average weight maybe I'll have longer hair and "better dreams" because according to my parents singing is nothing but a "hobby" maybe I'll be able to make my own decisions without ruining everyone.
else's. Maybe my teachers would like me. maybe my friends wouldn't make jokes about depression and self harm maybe...
Maybe..
They would be in my place in the second life .
Maybe they'll know what it feels like to be alone. Unaccepted. Fat. Ugly. Disgusting. Unapproved. Unapproachable. Unappreciated. Watse of space.. And many more .
Maybe they'll be able to understand how I feel.
But Who am I kidding? Haha.
I might not see a "second life"
Or even half of this one.
Have u guys ever heard the qoute stay strong? Yeah. Bullshit.
In order to stay strong u have to be strong.How could u "stay" strong if u were never strong in the first place.
Don't just tell me.
No one really knows what goes through my mind.
Ever been to a Funeral?
Yeah its kinda like that.
But sadder.
My thoughts are controlled by this emo kid. I hate her.
She's negative. Scary. Dark. Horrific And she always thinks suicide is the answer. She is the worst thing that has ever happend to me
In fact. I think. She is... Me.