TW⚠️: SH, ED, body insecurity, bullying, and depression
(Let me know if there are more)
Just know that you are loved and if you ever need to talk I'm here <3
Word count: 1296
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I swear at this point getting up is a nightmare. With the paparazzi, social media, and the stress off being an avenger I wonder if life is worth it. Then I remember my girlfriend Natasha. She's perfect in every way and that sometimes makes me question if she really loves me.
I slowly make my way to the closet and get changed into my girlfriends sweats and hoodie. Then I head to the bathroom and finish getting ready for the day.
After I'm done I sit back down on my bed. I go onto instagram and look at my inbox. Somebody DM'd me. I thought that was curios and then I opened it. It was a death threat saying stuff like "your so fucking ugly", "I don't know why Natasha would date you, you look like a pig.", "You should kill your self.", " I'll kill you if you don't do it first". It stung.
I could feel my salty tears start to escape. Just then I heard a knock on the door followed with "Hey bubs it's Nat, can I come in?" I reply with "sure" as I wipe my tears away. Nat walks in with a bowl of fruit and sits down next to me. She can sense I'm upset and asks "Are you ok?" I reply with "yeah I'm good".
"Ok then" she says "Since you didn't come down for breakfast I thought I would bring some up to you". "awwwww thanks" you say. She hands you the bowl and you start to remember the DM you just got. You hesitantly take a bite of a peach and fake smiled. You set the bowl down on the end table next to you and turned back to Nat.
She says " Are you sure your ok?". I say "Yeah why wouldn't I be?". "I don't know you just seem off." I start to tear up a bit and let out a small sob. Nat immediately takes me in her arms and lays us down. I continue to brake down in her chest and gives me little "I love you" or "it's gonna be ok".
Eventually I calm down and she asks "Why are you so sad bubs?". "I don't really want to talk about it right now." I state. She says "That's ok bubs but when you are ready talk about it. You will feel so much better." I sadly nod and she says "Wanna watch y/f/m?" I nod again and she turns it on. We stay like that the rest of the day.
The next morning I get up extra early braking out of my lover's embrace. I turn to the clock on my left and see it's flashing 4:30. I slowly and quitely get out of bed and head to the training room. I run a mile and then I do some push-ups and sit-ups. It's around 5:30 now and I head over to the punching bag. I'm punching it with pure rage. All of these feeling rushing through my body.
'Pig' , punch
'Fatso', punch
'Your not good enough', punch
'Kill your self', punch, Punch, PUNCH
Just then Nat walks in and pulls me away from the bag. Worriedly she says "Hey let's take a little brake". I responded with " No I'm ok I just got a little heated". More strictly replied with "I wasn't asking".
We walked to the kitchen and Nat asked "Would you like me to make some food for you?" "I'm not hungry" I say. Nat resentfully says "Ok then". She sat right next to me and held my hand. Her just being there made things a little better.
For the next few weeks my mornings stayed the same. Wake up early, work out, slip back into bed without Natasha noticing. I don't eat as much as I used to. I pretty much just eat a granola bar and maybe an orange or something every day. Nat constantly checks in on me but the more she cares the more the pushback from the public I get. I can't even go on social media anymore. I look at all of these girl's beautiful bodies an I just think WHY NOT ME
One day I was watching y/f/s when Nat came into our room. She said "Hey there was an emergency mission. I just wanted let you know where I am" "Ok thanks" I replied. She was about to walk away then she walked back into the room, kissed my head, and said "I luv you" I smiled and said "I luv you too" as she walked out of the room.
Once everyone had left I decided to go onto social media for the first time in a while. I was about to post a few pics when I saw some comments. Mean comments. Stuff like "god your so ugly", "Natasha would be better without you", "god why aren't your dead yet".
In tears I make my way to the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror and started to agree with everyone. I felt so enraged and ugly in that moment that I needed to take it all out. I punched the mirror out of anger.
I looked at the mirror then I looked at my hand. It looked like it hurts like a bitch but I couldn't feel anything. It might have been because of the mental state I was in or maybe I was insane. Either way I just wanted to feel pain.
I stripped of my clothes. Everything except for my underwear and bra. I picked up a shard of the mirror and pointed out all of my insecurities then I just started slicing. I started at the top of my arm to my wrists. Then I went to my thighs, then my stomach. Why couldn't I feel anything? I started crying even harder. As I watched the scarlet liquid ooze out of my arms, stomach, and thighs I screamed in my head "WHY CANT I FEEL ANYTHING"
I keep cutting and crying not even noticing my worried girlfriend standing at the doorway. "y/n" Nat softly states. I quickly step away from her and go to the corner of the bathroom. Nat takes a small step towards me and again in a soft tone she said "y/n pls give it to me. She holds out her hand offering to take it and I put the shard in her hand.
Nat throws the shard to the other side of the room. I fall to the ground crying and Nat catches me. I repeatedly sob "I'm sorry" in a hoarse tone as Nat tries to comfort me without hurting me more. We stay like that until I calm down and she says "Hey, it's ok. I'm gonna run you a bath and let's see that makes you feel better."
She sets up the bath and helps me fully undress. She helps clean me up and dry me off. "Ok I need to dress your wounds properly now." Nat says softly. I can't even respond or move, it's like I'm in the weird trance. Once she dressed my wounds she put me in sweat pants and a hoodie and tucked me into bed. She went around to the other side and got it bed softly cuddling me.
Still somewhat in shock I say "I'm so sorry". She whispers "You don't have to be sorry. I love you so much and I never want to see you in pain again." I whisper "I love you Natty" " I love you too bubs"
