Awful Happy Tree Friends Oneshots

Disco Bear x Me Reader I Guess

Me and my sugar daddy bearfriend were sitting face to face at the Salt And Pepper Diner. "Ah man, Can't you believe it takes 5 bucks just to play one Thomas Jones's song on the jukebox?" I ask my retro friend (with benefits). "Yeah the hell with this! It only cost me a quarter max for a whole Spotify playlist worth of booty jams back in my day." Disco Bear raised his voice a little. "Inflation really do be a bitch though" I replied. "Spitting facts." He said in response. It's so cute yet agonizing when he tries to keep up with modern slang to make me happy. "Anyways, have you ever been with an old fashioned guy like me before?" He asks. "Well I can definitely tell you I've never dated a bear in his mid 60's that's half my height, but I did date someone who was huge into 50's stuff" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, Except he was a huge electric guitar hater and almost made me quit music because he forced me to learn acoustic JUST so I could play his favorite Beatles song." I exclaimed. "Yep. Never trust a Beatles fan. Never.. trust... A Beatles..... Fan..." He mumbled.

"At least he wasn't as bad as my ex from a year ago!" I laughed just thinking about the absurdity of it. "God, what did they do?" Disco Bear said sarcastically. "I don't even know where to begin. I mean he was reverse Chris Hansen, abused over a dozen rabbits to death-" "OH he'd LOVE Cuddles then! Hahahaha- WAIT.. Reverse Chris Hansen??" He interrupted. "Yeah. Basically He heard rumors from the school I went to 3 years ago that I was a sex offender or something so he spread rumors and long story. His friend even tried killing me with ketamine edibles and I hallucinated being a dolphin at Sea World lmao." I said oddly casually. "Oh my god!" Disco Bear's jaw dropped. "Yeah he did worse but I mean that's the jist. He doesn't bother me anymore but damn I wish I got revenge ya know?" "Yeah, don't worry 'bout it. He'll get what's coming to him. For now, why don't we groove eh?" Disco Bear reassured me and went to the jukebox to play Tapps's "My Forbidden Lover" (it's our first date song it's really good) and held my hand to the dance floor.

We started to sway to the beat, then, the beat DROPPED and we exploded into our moves. We were doing the whip, the nae nae, we were bouncing all over the place. Hitting the quan too. It made me forget everything and it was great. Then after that we walked out the restaurant without eating any food whatsoever. We walk to his car while holding hands. We drove in silence before I randomly blurted out "hey did you know that "bifle" is the French word for slapping someone in the face with your penis?" Disco Bear turned to me at a red light. "Sounds fucking hot!". We go to his house and we maked out on the couch immediately. He took off my clothes epically and moonwalked behind me and started eating my ass and I went like "HOOOwOAHH MAH DUMPY HOLE!!!" and he was like "Come to the bedroom if you're ready for more~~" and then he purred. We go to the bedroom but Disco Bear forgor that he kidnapped my ex boyfriend and tied him to a chair. "Oops I ruined your anniversary surprise." Disco Bear joked. I was about to be scared, but then I realized that I didn't feel fear. I felt power. I laughed. "Hey we should totally like, beat him with a hammer or something!" I suggested. Disco Bear had a better idea. He pulled his pants down when he was helpless and started insulting his penis until he cried that shit was hilarious.

Then I put a beer bottle below his testicle and put a flame on the bottom so his balls got sucked in the bottle. The fact the victim wasn't speaking made me wonder how long Disco Bear kept him. But that didn't matter because Disco Bear had the best execution method in mind. He threw him on the floor and started TikTok dancing on his body, slowly breaking all of his bones and all of his organs were internally bleeding. Meanwhile I was singing Michael Jackson's "Beat It" while twerking. Finally we put dynamite in between his butt cheeks and watched him blow up lol. "Well where were we?" We continued to make love. I tied him to the bed using my dead ex's intestines and spanked his fat ass with his femur bone. He proceeded to rub his daddy and moan his body, which turned me on a lot. It was hotter than sauce. I put my balls in his ass and it felt nice and warmmmmmmmm and then we both came at the same time OOPSIE!!!! DAISY!!!! I got him pregnant. My dick was so long I impregnated the fetus as well oh shit oh my god what am I going to do? I knew had to give Disco Bear an abortion. I grabbed a thin metal rod from the kitchen. "If South Park The Stick Of Truth taught me one thing it was this" I stabbed the baby until it come out. "The fuck are we gonna do with this piece of shit?" I pondered. We decided to throw it at Flippy's window except it gave him PTSD because he delt with the same thing when he served in the war. Dead babies splatting on windows was a very common problem in military camp.

He became angry and threw an entire bus up Giggles's vagina. "Goddammit why can't we just have a normal field trip?" Said Arnold. "Shut the fuck up." Said Ms. Frizzle. Giggles died. Then he ran to me and stabbed a school pencil in my arm and I instinctively yelled "Harder. Daddy!" and that confused the fuck out of Flippy. He somehow mimicked the bruh.mp3 sound effect exactly before turning on god mode and clipping out of the world. I died of blood loss and went to what I assume was a form of heaven. Fuck. I can't leave Disco Bear like this, I must go back to Earth. I hunted down Nutty (he died) and the rest of the cast who is also dead in order to revive the Happy Tree Friends franchise, and finally make that movie they lied about. I was the director. I became the Almighty Lord of Mondo Media. I was granted life and I went back to Disco Bear as a creature akin to a biblically accurate angel. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHG! AAAAAAAAAAAA!" He screeched. I turned back into my human form. "Calm the fuck down babe." I said. "I am the artist here now. Anything and everything that I made happen in this land is now cannon." I stated. "Deadass?" He asks.  Yup. That's my bear alright!