The day I found out I was lithromantic (on the aromantic spectrum)

The day I found out I was lithro.

This is the true story about the first person I dated and also the day I finally found out I was lithro. I don't have great memory so this may have some holes in it...
!!WARNING!!: This contains mentions of self-harm.
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My best friend had been staying over the past few days because it was spring break. It was an amazing time away from school, a time where I could just finally relax and not have to worry about all those school assignments. It was just like every time she stayed over, fun and chaotic. And she was her normal self, saying random things out of nowhere with me making some weird comment and us both laughing at it.

But some of the random things she had said were just REALLY strange... For instance she asked is she could kiss me once and I just no. Everytime she had said things like that my heart kinda died. I admit I had a crush on her, but I had never said anything, because I didn't want to ruin our friendship and I just didn't want to. I would find out why later...

We had just been chilling in my room. I have a trundle bed, I was on the top bunk and she was on the bottom. The fan was on as always, making a humming sound which we kind of used as a noise maker thingy to go to sleep. She was watching god knows what on her phone, and was obviously growing bored of it. She suddenly sat up and told me she wanted cuddles. I was kind of confused, because she never did anything like this before.

She got up on the top bunk with me and snuggled into my chest. I had been very confused. I put my arm around her, not really knowing what to do. We just cuddled there for a moment. She told me she loved me. And I said I loved her back. And she said 'do we have to keep this love platonic?' I had been very confused by that question. She soon explained she loved me romantically. I told her I felt the same way. She was pleasently surprised and she had pecked me on the lips and said that she was happy to be my girlfriend. I told her I was also glad we were dating. But it just felt wrong for some reason. Saying I was dating someone just didn't feel right. Not in the 'omg, i'm not single anymore!' type of way but the 'This just really doesn't feel right' type of way.

I had expected to feel happy. My crush loved me back! But for some reason I wasn't happy. I felt just a mix of emotions I could just describe as uncomfortable. The uncomfortableness had subsided a bit when we exited my room to eat dinner. Since my parents were there and we had agreed to keep this a secret she wouldn't do anything in front of them. I was glad for this because it was just like normal when we were friends again. But this was short lived as we went back to my room immediantly after.

And what did she want? Cuddles. Again. This time was even less comfortable than the first time. To try and ease the uncomfort, I suggested we watch some meme videos. She agreed, but still cuddled with me as we watched.

At some point in time we had left my room and my mother alerted us that we would have to take our guest back home soon. She was upset about this, she didn't want to leave me. I pretended to be upset but really I was just so uncomfortable that I wanted to drop her off at her house right at that moment. Sadly, that didn't happen as soon as I had wished it.

She packed her stuff up slowly. She always brings a lot of stuff over to my house, so it takes awhile to pack up. She had closed the door to my room again while packing so she could take a moment to cuddle with me. Again. Soon her stuff was packed up, and my parents drove us to her house. We were quiet during the drive as we normally were. (Yeah, we don't want my parents to hear most of our conversations-) I was honestly glad for this silence. I was even gladder when we finally got to her house.

And then my heart immidiantly sank when I remembered I had to help carry her stuff inside. To her room. Where she could shut the door and isloate us from her parents. I put on a mask, (Ok more than one, covid made me a germophobe ok-) grabbed the portion of her stuff she didn't carry, and went inside. When we were in her room she immidiantly closed the door and we sat on her bed. She kissed me on the cheek and snuggled up to me again. I felt guilt build up inside of me as I prepared myself to say something. I told her I didn't think I was ready for a realtionship. And she kinda misunderstood this and said 'well, we can try.' Soon I told her I had to go, and left the room. I went back to the car and I had to wait a bit before going back to my house because my mother was having a conversation with her mother.

I planned out what I would do as soon as I got home. I had suspected that maybe I had mistaken my romantic feelings for platonic. And possibly that I was actually aromantic. Turns out, I was half right. I googled an aromantic test and things about being aromantic. I then found out that aromantic was actually a spectrum, not just a single romantic oriantation. I decided to research the orientations on the aromantic spectrum, starting with litromantic. (I never even had to take any of the tests-)

I had never actually been 100% sure of my romantic oriontation until that day. I had always assumed I was Panromantic, because I had the mindset that if I loved someone I would just date them regardless of their gender. But as I read about litromantic, I knew I had been wrong. It felt like I was reading one of those personality test things. Where you just read it and your so suprised at how much that sounds like you.

I was going to text her and tell her I was lithro but I was just so scared. We had discussed if we broke up we would still stay friends, but that's not what I was scared about. She could've hated me all she wanted and I could've taken it but what really scared me was that recently she had cut her arm with scizzors and a knife. And I was scared what she would do if I upset her.

I conferred with a few of my classmates in discord. They had said to just to tell her and that it wasn't my job to please everyone. After that I decided to just tell her and get it over with. If she took it badly I was prepared to give a speech about how I would still always be there for her, just not as a partner but a friend. I texted her and told her I was lithromantic, and to look up it's meaning. With that she replied 'good night I love you'. She didn't exactly understand so I had to throughouly explain to her that I didn't want to be in a relationship. I had told her to forget all about this and to just carry on being friends.

She seemed to take this well, but when we talked in discord once she always managed to bring up 'I thought you said you didn't love me platonically. It was only in discord she said these things, when I met her in real life she acted like nothing happened. It's been awhile since that has happened. (Ok I counted it was actually a little over a week ago-)

Now she has a boyfriend who loves her. The cutting problem is still there but I think it will get better over time, now with her boyfriend around. Now she has honestly just forgotten we ever dated, and I'm glad for that. I'm still kinda upset over finding out I was lithromantic though because I had always thught I be happily married with a partner and maybe have a few kids. (Oh god why I am sensing this is the backstory of a crazy cat lady-)

But you can't change your romantic orientation, it's who you are and it's not really something that changes but something you find out along the way. Yes, I may still be upset that I won't have the life I expected of myself as a child but that's fine. Caz who needs a partner when you got friends?