It's always me. Not in a good way, but always in their way. My life isn't depressing as it sounds, well maybe it is actually depressing. My life is hard to describe or even tell. Why? Because if I'll be honest with everyone in my life and tell them how I feel, when they talk to me or say something I don't like they'll leave. Let's start from the beginning shall we. My twin sister and I were a couple of weeks old when our biological mother and father didn't want us. She gave us to my mother (not biological) we aren't adopted but in foster care till we're 18. I can't remember anything about my childhood. Maybe because it's too traumatizing, you may be thinking what can possibly be so traumatizing. Well when I was five years old I walked in to my mother's room while my father was busy dieing. I was the only one to see what have happened. Ever since that moment I couldn't remember my childhood. And a couple of years later my biological dad died. We didn't really know him that well but we knew him in a way. When I started to enjoy life again my mother's friends came to visit, their daughter and I were playing games. And suddenly she tells me to undress because it's apart of the game. So she raped me. I didn't realize, I never thought of it as SA but when I got older I realized it wasn't normal. I forgot about it and moved on. Grade 3 I wad being bullied for being "fat", a boy in my grade always came to me and hit me or kick me. Since then I made it hard to make friends. I got over that too. Grade 7, was a hard year, I came out as gay and dated my best friend. I was madly in love or well that's what I thought till she left. She didn't want to ruin her reputation. So high school now, first year of high school was shit. I was being bullied again and started cutting, where that turned into drinking and getting wasted, trying to kill myself every night, sniffing pills in the school bathrooms. I was wreckless. I was the person everyone hated and I'm still the person everyone hates. End of grade 8 I started talking to a girl. She was nice but she was just a rebound. She moved in and forced to do things every night. When I told her to stop or pushed her away she didn't let go. So whenever she went outside after she did that I'll lay in my own puddle of blood crying but when she came back and saw me like that she'd feel bad and I'd always comfort her. I didn't know why I comforted her, maybe because she was manipulating me and I was a nice person. It kept on going like that every night till the beginning of grade nine. She went back to her mother. I was so so happy that she went home. But before all of that in September 2021 I met a girl that I immediately fell in love with. She was the kindest person. She broke my heart four times that year. After the rebound I got back together with her and I don't know why probably because she made me feel safe. But she broke my heart again. Just after she left me my biological mother died and I needed her, all I needed was a hug from her but she left. It was the hardest month of my life.
