Finding Oneself

The WHY...

I wanted to make sure that this is the first time that I have committed/ thought about writing in my whole life...what made me do it? We will find out!!!

I want to make this a platform for me to express myself...in words. I want to make this as raw as possible. No editing, no reading back on words, no grammatical corrections, no proper sentences. Just my feelings noted down in words and hopefully have a breakthrough to know my true self, my genuine self, my authentic self. 

Fuck man, I'm really doing this LOLOLOL. 

So, the real question is why? Why now? Why even? 

After having a ao;sdhgjasdgjadgjbajgbjabgjabjgba;bgajosdbgo;a. UGH man, expressing my feelings sure does feel different, but its fine. Here I am in a library doing this, so here we go.

After having so many personality changes growing up, I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel scared. AND I feel nervous. I grew up in an Asian household, (I am not mentioning which country or place because I want to keep this anonymous) I had a bunch of expectations to meet. Expectations from my parents, my family, my friends, my relatives, my cousins, the society and community, teachers, and every fucking people in general. It's hard dude, it really is. 

I was born to a family who came from a good amount of Money. Apparently, my grandpops was an entrepreneur who was quite successful. Built a huge house, made a bunch of money, and started/owned a huge amount of a commercial bank in the country. You guys know what that brings up, conflicts within the family to who can inherit it or toxic competition. Fuck that shit. OMFG makes me furious already typing this shit out. Anyways, in this toxic culture, I was born. 1 little sis, 3 cousin sistas, and 1 cousin bro. I quickly realized that conflicts were pretty common in my family. It was on the daily, respecting whoever had more money. Basically, whoever was getting more successful. 

Starting school, there was only 1 thing that was put in my head. Embedded in me. It was to always achieve great things, meaning at my age was to be great in academics. From grade 1 to grade 12, I was to always excel in academics. I had to study, study, and study. Oh btw, FYI, during this time I am clueless about family backgrounds, specific conflicts, and things in general. All I knew was, that I have to study and that is my life.

I grew up having my mom always telling me that I had to study. If I don't, I would be trash. In other words, everyone around me will think I'm trash, will not respect me, and will laugh at me for being stupid. It was a competition between me and my cousins. The only thing I knew was that I need to be the best, whether it's being musically more sound or academically better. I guess I was a tool??? Wow, that sure hurts. *SIGH*

Until grade 8, things were running smoothly despite the toxic environment around me. I was doing the same stuff every day, waking up, having breakfast, going to school, coming back home, studying till right before going to bed, dinner and sleep. Honestly, I can't recall the best things about my childhood moments. All I remember are feelings of fear, anxiety, nervousness, and always living on the edge. 

Once I was in the middle of the grade 8 school year, things started changing slowly. I would imagine it to be better, right? I guess not!! It went south. Fucking south. SOUTH AF. 

Like every movie, like every novel, like every cliche, I met a girl. She was one of the most beautiful girls in our grade. Dark wavy hair, she got the curves, fair skin, and a pretty smile...hehehe definitely a beauty the first time I saw her...However, I on the other hand was round, dark, UGLY, and SHORT. A fucking cocktail of low self-esteem for myself :((((((((

However, after some black magic or wtv, we were dating. At first, it was all rainbows and unicorns. She was the first girl I had liked, and dated ever. My first girlfriend. But the one thing that always confused me was the why? like I'm writing right now. The WHY? Why did she like me? Not that she knew I was rich, cuz even I didn't know. AND my parents barely gave me money. Nor was I a good-looking hunk. Well, I guess I was a sweetheart *Hmph* (I'll put it at that for my self-esteem lols) Anyways, once we started dating, rumors spread. We were the talk of the town because she was popular. A line of guys was after her. For people who don't know how it feels in a situation like such, it sucks. It sucks to be me. Other kids could not believe it at all. How I could end up with a girl like her. (Fuck them lol)

So, yes I got the hate. Guys were jealous and wanted to get at me. That's when the bullying started. I was clueless cuz obviously all I knew was studying. However, things got worse. Motherfuckers wanted me to dance in front of a whole crowd. I was slapped if I didn't. I was scared :( I was ganged up on by 7-10 guys at once and beaten up. I was slapped 14 times by a kid during a lunch break just because I beat him in arm wrestling. There was an incident where a guy punched me and I had a huge bump below my eye. The only thing I could do was convince myself that things would be better. I was still with the girl btw. Every day I would go back home, and when my mom would ask me how was school, I would have to say it was great. The day when I had a bump on my face, my mom asked me how it happened. The only logical answer I could think of was "I ran into a pole while playing with my friends". It was one of the lowest times of my life because she scolded me for being careless and stupid right after as well. I was hopeless, helpless, scared, and broken. There's only so much I could handle :/ There were multiple times when I thought about killing myself, committing suicide, and ending the torture right there. I started smoking, and became a chain smoker. (cigarettes and eventually weed) It was tough having to grow up with constant pressure from parents to get good grades, having barely any social life, getting bullied in school almost every single day for 2 years, and being scared to go to school. It still hurts every time I recall this period of my life. 

Moving forward, after I was done with grade 10, I eventually broke up with my first girlfriend. The bullying stopped, and I ranked first in the national exam. We had 3 months off from school and for the first time in my life, I felt so happy because my parents were super proud of me. I was in the clouds. I cried one more time, but it was all happy tears. I still hated myself for being the person I was, ugly, friendless, and a NOBODY. I was lonely. So, I thought I could work on myself and joined the gym. Eventually, after 6-8 months I started seeing some change in my physique which gave me some confidence. But I was still scared. Scared of being beaten up again. So, I joined the Muay Thai program for a few months. I wanted to defend myself from having to go through that same thing I went through. 

Time flew and I was done with high school. I graduated ranking first in my grade for grade 11 & 12, making my parents super proud of me. These 3 moments made me so happy because I felt loved, and cared for. I felt special. I felt like I was somebody, and not a nobody.  Now, it was time for me to start my college journey. But I was tired, exhausted, and drained from my 12 years in school and from the experiences I went through. I wanted a pause in life. 

There was 1 dream that I had developed from going through all this. I wanted to be an extroverted handsome popular dude who was rich. In other words, I wanted to be somebody because I was tired of being a nobody. This was when my first personality switch happened. 

I tried my best to be an extrovert and make new friends. Started going clubbing, spoke to anyone, faked being cool to the people I met, and just went on with life I guess. Honestly, I'm not in the mood to write down all the details but let me get to the point. 

Long story short, I became that guy with a few more different personality switches along the way. I realized that my family was rich, I moved to the US for college after taking the year off and tried to turn my life around. Currently, I am tall, fit, good-looking, and popular. (Puberty, right? LOL)  I'm almost graduating from one of the most expensive colleges, live in a fancy apartment, wear designer clothes, and drive an expensive car. But, that's when I got hit with confusion because the thing I always wanted since the beginning did not bring me happiness. I still felt the same way: scared, anxious, & unhappy. I felt a void in my heart. An empty feeling. I had so many friends, yet I wasn't happy. 

I quickly realized that in the process of changing myself to what society, community, family, parents, & friends want, I LOST myself. My authentic self. I realized that I did not want to be the guy I had dreamed of being. I wanted to be the guy who I always had been but just wanted to be accepted and loved for who I was. I wanted my parents to love me unconditionally despite my grades or achievements, I wanted my friends to love me unconditionally despite how much money I had, and I want people to respect me for who I am. I just wanted validation. I wanted to be accepted. At this moment -- I am sad, I feel lonely, and I do not know who I am anymore. 

So, to answer my questions on "THE WHY?" 

After trying to be someone who I never was & after chasing after the wrong things, I give up. I want to choose myself first. I want to love myself first. I want to pamper myself first. I want to dedicate this journal to myself by pouring out my feelings here and support myself to be my authentic self.