Pippamena Petals Pie

Pinkie's Lessons

It was an optimistic Monday morning at Mane Melody, Princess Pipp's new salon and karaoke bar in the bustling town of Maretime bay. the business was thriving, Izzy was loving her new bangs and Pipp's aquamarine sparkle was so bright as she sang her heart out to the adoring ponies leaving 5-star reviews left and right. Then Posey strutted towards the door dissatisfied with the sparkling pink mohawk and cell phone in her hoof left Mane Melody with a 3-star review.  The music halted, ponies glanced over her as Pipp froze mid-air, wings spread and eyes wide as she landed with a "What?". Her eye twitched while thanking posey for the lovely review while flashing a neurotic smile which creeped out posey and she ran out the door.

Later that night she was flying around the Crystal Brighthouse stressing about Posey's review when she accidentally flew into the giant rainbow beam and by the rules of the beam, she could request assistance from a guardian of friendship. "Bring me the guardian of friendship who could help me exact vengeance upon any pony who dares hate on me, mane melody or my friends!" The rainbow became various shades of pink before summoning an ethereal pony whose sparkling light dissolved into Pinkie Pie of all ponies. "since when is pinkie pie the pony called on for vengeance?" "Oh you silly pegasus, it's not me you need, it's Pinkamena!" "Pinkamena? but why?" "I'm too sweet and bouncy to kill anyone! Now can you get me a straightener?" When the straightener made contact with her puffy pink candy-scented mane, an aura of red light circled around Pinkie Pie and within seconds pinkemena was here! her flat faded mane and psychotic smile complete with her iconic cutie mark dress and unicorn horn necklace gave off the perfect serial killer pony look. "Hello miss Pipp, now do I bake you into cupcakes or-" "Please, no cupcakes just give me lessons on how to be a deranged murderer." She bit into a cupcake and said class is in session.

The first lesson was on developing your killer personality "you mustn't use your real name when killing, a simple way to do this is to take the first 4-5 letters of your name and add the suffix Amena to it. so as my other name is Pinkamena, your name must be..." "PIPPAMENA!" "Yes perfect, now see this cutie mark dress? Make a dress to cover your cutie mark and try not to make it too flashy." Pipp made a fluffy dress made of the feathers of the royal pegasus family's ancestors that they also used as quills when signing autographs and documents.  The second lesson was on choosing your tools wisely "For example, I use a scalpel and a chainsaw, the scalpel is great for precise cuts to remove fur and slice through veins while the chainsaw has a thrilling element to it, just revving up the chainsaw, sawing through your victim and letting their blood splatter everywhere!" Pipp gagged as she was never a fan of the gory, bloody mess that some horror movies were, she preferred something more in the cool found footage style like the Everfree witch project where 2 pegasi and an earth pony venture into the ancient Everfree forest to find a wicked unicorn witch. long story short one pegasus dies with the other finding a sack of their dismembered wings, the earth pony goes crazy and kicks the map into a river and the remaining 2 ponies get killed by the witch. The legends say that no pony who ventures into the witches' woods gets out alive and has never been seen by any pony. 

"Now let's go over some tools to not use, scissors. They can't cut butter let alone flesh and are just underwhelming. An axe is good for scaring them but the blade is too thick and you'll just shatter their ribs in the process, same with a hammer. A screwdriver is useless unless you plan on driving screws into their skull to mess with their brain, a good old-fashioned saw is alright but you can do better. Also, stay away from using explosives, it leaves a huge mess to clean up and the fun is killing them yourself not letting some weak dynamite do it for you." Now for lesson 2 part B, luring your victims. I use the promise of a fun afternoon baking and then drug them with a cupcake or you could try with blunt force to knock them out with a hammer. unless you have a better idea." "Great what's the 3rd lesson?" "Third lesson is on choosing your victims, don't make them family members or friends. it crosses the line and we killers do have standards. for example, you don't kill anyone with young kids at home and just stay away from killing foals. another thing to note is not to threaten your soon-to-be victims, you welcome them into your trap with a smile and treat them with civility. If one were to gain an assistant, they mustn't bear witness to the killing. they can't fully be trusted so have them turn around so you can have deniability. The most they can do is to clean your instruments of torture and kidnap victims in case you don't want to lure them." 

A short third lesson is on other ways to kill a pony, dismemberment isn't the only answer. you could throw them into a lake, feed them a poisoned cupcake, you could bury them alive or even better, toss them in a fiery volcano! The final lesson is on playing your part and handling your emotions surrounding it. It's fine to have a sense of euphoria when tearing out another pony's organs, have a little fun with it! You know I played one particular pony's stomach like a bagpipe once!" Pinkamena's face turned serious as she said "But I want to give you a word of warning, it's entirely possible you may feel a sense of regret, guilt or even remorse at the heinous act you've done and I want you to know, that's normal too. When I killed rainbow dash I ran off to Twilight crying, she brought Rainbow back to life and wiped her memories. It might be possible to feel a tad hesitant about going through with it, as usually you wouldn't want a pony's blood on your conscience but you just need to take that voice that tells you to be kind and considerate and shoot it, tell it" Then Pippamena pushed Pinkamena aside "Sorry, but I'm a pony princess with pride, you rate mane melody subpar I cannot let it slide!"