He's my first love. Fine. I hate that I tried to dent it.
It was all my fault. From the start. It was me. I keep on hurting him over and over. I kept on pushing him away. I'm always going to regret this and always gonna blame myself because of this. Now I can't even remove him out of my head again. He's there again living in my head and I know by writing it out it will atleast help me think about him lesser.
I wonder if he ever think of me or how am I doing sometimes. I wonder if he's thinking if I'm thinking about him:( I miss him God I miss him. I didn't know I can miss someone this much. Specially the one that I only met not even more than 10 times and only talked for 4 times in real life.
It all started with me. Ofc. No one will ever bring trouble in my life other than myself. I had a crush on him and I always have this thing which u probably won't understand but I have this thing where when I have a crush on someone or when I want someone to have a crush on me I'd give them the right amount of attention to want to get to know me more and to not think I like them you know what I mean. I always get what I want or I always want what I get urgh. At first he didn't even ahd any crush on me ofcourse. He was just really fine, cool guy with 0 problems before he met me. I totally think I ruined him. I had a crush on him, I'd always look at his eyes directly, I talk to him alot even though he already ended the convo I still try to save it. As what I said I gave him the right amount to want more. And bam! He did. He started getting interested to me or atleast that's what I think he felt. He started talking more, sharing stories about his family, we started to really get comfortable to each other and ofc late night talk phase of flirting. and then calls and then more talking and confession.
As what I expected and wished. He confessed and I'm surprised that it worked. Not that I drugged him but my way worked. And so I did confessed too although I'm sure I'm not ready yet. So fast forward we were in a relationship for 4 months and this day comes were I felt like he's not giving much effort to talk to me and he treats me like how he treats his flguy friends and I didn't feel any special anymore and so I told him that it's not gonna work and sorry it's me not him and bam! I dissapeared and blocked him. Months after that I unblocked him and weeks after that he messaged me and then we became friends and I explained my point of view and he did and he wanted to comeback but I didn't want to. So months and months past by we became really really close there's always on and off argue about him wanting to have me back and me not wanting to go back and him blaming himself that he didn't put much effort and yeah. But I wanted friendship although deep down inside me I missed him and I wanted more than that but I'm scared it might not work so we'll stick with friendship with a little flirt then. Months and months past by after being bestfriends thats in basic term two exes who still haven't moved on but chose to be friends) we were at our best moments in life and we enjoyed talking and talking and nonstop talking. Then this one day we were in a no label relationship which was the best part of this whole thing where we just don't care about the label but we enjoy what we have and had so much fun with it,, months past by and one day another fight about how we should be together,, basically he's very sure that I'm the one for him and I'm uncertain about my feelings, I don't know if I love him or I'm just settling. I was confused but he's really persuasive and we agreed to give it a try for two weeks,, in a relationship.
First second day we were okay,, third and the rest I started to get worried if I'm just hurting him more cz what if I don't like him what if there's better than him what if he's the one and I'm letting him slide off my life just cz of my uncertain feelings,, I'm really confused and started acting like it too,, we promise to give it a try and just don't ruin it but I did ruin it. Half way during the trial card I was cold,, I told his bestfriend which was my bestfriend too about what I'm feeling,, I told that I just wanted a friendship and I'm not sure if I wanna continue but I didn't wanna hurt him.. his bestfriend said to break up and to end it,, he definitely gave it a thought and decided what's best,, so then going back about the guy that I loved and me,, he was already worried what's wrong with me because I'm cold for the past few days, I told him can he comeback next month and ask the same question cz for now I don't wanna answer him about what's wrong,, I was halfway thinking of staying and not ending it,, I feel like not all the relationship should end just because it's not fun or there's no spark or just because ur not sure,, so I was going to stay but after my message he went offline for awhile and came back telling "I get it,,, **** (his bestfriend) already explained it to me and I understand,, I feel like I'm just way out of your league I just wish you the best" and that time I don't know why but something just pushed me off the edges and I agreed to him,, I don't know where all the courage to stay went,, it just dissapeared so fast,, I agreed to him and yep we broke up,,
That was last year 2021 now is 2022 I gotta move on jeez
