will it change for good

1st year or the start to a real life

Waking up to the sound of my alarm dreading going back to school but this is different it's a new school new people, people that don't know me or anything about my past although some of my old class mates will be there it just won't be the same. After a while of thinking I get out of bed and stare into my vanity mirror with my dark green eyes wishing thay wear blue and looking at my face full of acne wishing it was as clear as all the girls I know of mabye then I won't be people last choice I might be there first choice and make them happy but that won't happen why would it I get the energy to do my hair make up and get dresses into my new uniform looking in the mirror at my body  my head fill with bad thoughts and pick out all my inaccuracies I look out of the corner of my eyes and see a corset I put it on an pull it as tight as  i can and put my jumper back on it looks a bit better a bit skinnier like all the pretty girls I get my bag off my desk and walk down the stairs as my older brother walks by me I keep my head down knowing it was the safest option if I look at him in the slightest way he will say something about my body or mabye my face I get into the kitchen and grab my water bottle and head out the door as I wait at my bus stop I put my air pods in and lissen to my morning playlist 10 minutes later and my bus comes I already knew the bus driver he was good friends with my mam he was also the bus driver for my old school I did find him a bit crepy but I put that behind me I get on the bus and he said "goodmorning lexs,u look well in the new uniform" I just smile at him and say thanks but for some reason him saying that made me uncomfortable mabye I'm just not thinking right or mabye.....never mind I get to the back of the bus and stare out the windo looking at the beautiful trees,for some reason I could look out the window for hours it made me happy after 45 minutes on the bus we arrive at the new school we got put into the base rooms and got given our books it was only the first years today and the rest will be in tomorrow I'm tearafied for that what will thay think of me will I just be the clown everyone laughs at or will people not know I exsist I would rather that we get put in our seats a lad came up to me and told me his name and then asked mine his name was cillian he seems nice when it was time for lunch cillian waited for me at the classroom door we head to the cafeteria and demi comes running to me demi was a girl I spend all 12 years of my life with we wear so close she knew everything about me (D) "lexi there u are I was looking for u all morning are u okay have u panicked over anything yet" I look at demi and said no I was grand I knew she was sick of me and just wanted me to feel loved me and cillian sit at the table he gets food while I sit with him and I open all my messages I start to smile when I see a text from rylan I open the messages from him and it says (R) goodmorning lexi id say ur already at ur new school I promise it will go well but if anything goes rong ring me and I'll pick up straight away talk to u later xx cillian ask who was rylan I just look at cillian and say he's a good friend of mine cillian laughed it off and we head back to class after an hour we all head home I get to the house and open the door to an empty home my mam must be at work and Jamie must be late from school I head to my room and tex Rylan untill the door opened and my mam came in she looked stresses she asked me how my day went and I lied I said I made so much friends I only made one Jamie gets home and I get a drink out of the fridge and head upstairs for the rest  of the day hoping tomorrow will be the end or change my life and be amazing but I doubt that i go on ticktok and messages rylan till I fall asleep                                         
                                                                                                                                                           After the first week of school we got sorted into our selected subjects i do woodwork cooking class geography and French I was happy about them classes my woodwork partner was abbie she's an okay person we only talk when we have woodwork other wise she pretends I'm not there and for cooking class I'm Demi's partner witch is okay but all her popular friends just talk while I'm sitting on my own I don't mind it seeing her happy is all I care about rn after the loss of her mums boyfriend witch was traumatic for everyone who lives in our estate I will never look at a somethings the same we are to young for suicidal thoughts but what can we do about it the world is just cruel I didn't make anymore friend but an old class mate was waving constantly at this girl I tought her waving made her uncomfortable but mabye I was rong as I lay in bed I text cillian for a while trying to get the fact me and rylan haven't been talking alot it's braking my hart I don't want our friendship to end I feel safe talking to him he understands his mam and dad are not together and he has a brother who is just the same as Jamie I text him (L) hay rylan we haven't been talking alot if anythings rong we can talk about it or if u need some space just tell me I'm always hear for u :) I turn off my phone and head downstairs to the smell of soup my mum knew that was my favourite and I could eat it anytime even if I wasn't hungry it was my comfort food I talk to my mam for a bit while I eat my food when I finish I put my bowl in the sink and say thank u to my mum I go to my room get a new hoddie and put my shoes on me while I head to the kitchen to tell my mam I would be gone for and hour or two I head to the forest by the local park and go to a secret area coverd by trees I climb a tree and get to an old wall that was there for years I sit down and look onto the water I put my music on and stare out onto the lake the sun started to set so I headed back home by the time I get home I see my mam is gone to work and my brother had friends over I just kept my head down and walk to my room seeing if rylan has replied but he just lefted me on deliverd but he posted photos of him and his ex on his story......what did I do rong......was I only there for when he got bord.....where our calls all fake....was our nicknames all a joke....was my lockscreen that he made me just a joke to make me happy
How could he do this he was my number one am I just overthinking mabye he just forgot to send the message or mabye.....never mind I have to get sleep I have to go to my granny's tomorrow and she won't like me being half asleep but 1 am turned into 3 am and 3 am turned into 6am then I finally fell asleep

12am waking up to the sound of my phone ringing "who's ringing me what have I done now "I look down at my phone and see a miss call from my granny and a message saying dinner would be ready in 30 minutes . I run out of bed getting my hair and make up done going in to all the rooms looking for an outfit then went to my brothers room to wake him up . As I walk in I see an empty bed did he go to granny's already? He would of told me he was going or is he with Lee he hasn't been with him for days. I get my bag and grab my phone heading out the door walking out of the estate. When i turn the corner I see all the teenagers I was terrified thay would say something about Jamie. One of them wear about to talk but Toby quickly shut him up then he politely said (T) well lexi. I reply back saying hello and make my way. I get in the door and see food on the table . Darren and aidrin helping them self to the homemade stew I grabed a small bowl of stew since I didn't want to sit at the table and hear them chew there food like animals I quickly finish and head to the sitting room shortly flowed by darren and my granny while Adrian heads up tk his room I chat to them for a bit then ask Darren if he could take me to Tullyallen to meet up whit a mate but that was a lie I didn't want to tell him the real reason I just wanted to see my little cousin and have sone peice and quiet like I normally do. he agreed to taking me. We get in his car and I asked he could drop me off outside the estate his girlfriend lived I wanted to see her I miss her very much she's the only one in the family that I enjoy talking to I enjoy her company but I wasn't headed to her house I headed to see my cousin I walk up the long lane across from the restaurant and I was there I sit-down beside the cold grave stone of a six year-old who died in 2019 the sad death of my little cousin sitting down beside his tomb stone talking to him for hours then I leave a little note like always for when I wake up out of this nightmare and he could read all my notes or reply to everything I told him walking down the long lane I asked if Darren's girlfriend could pick me up from the restaurant. 10 minutes later and her car pulled up I get in and she drives me back to mine she knew I went to her sons grave she just didn't ask me she knew I would brake down into tears she never liked to see me cry we get to mine and I say my goodbyes she drives off. I walk into the house seeing my brothers friends in the kitchen and my mam in the sitting room I head to my room and just reply to people qnd head to bed it was Monday the next day so I had to get sleep so I'm not half asleep in school

1am : walking up to a call from my aunt why would she be calling me at this time I answered and ofcourse she was drunk

(A)
Hello lexi
(L) Alison what do u want it's a school night

(A)
Lexi you will be grand
We should talk about a few
Things

(L)  okay only for a few minutes

(A)
So lexi how's ur friends now
Is demi doing well
How's hannah and Jamie

(L) demi is well and I don't talk to Hannah much

(A)
Lexi I know your sick of me talking but theses little friends  never last dont call them a friend if you haven't kept a full friendship ur probably saying what would she know about friends I'm a 45 year old and I have had many of friends get better-

I just hung up I was sick of her ringing me when shes drunk that's the only time we talk and she just says shit I block her number and head to sleep hoping tomorrow will be different

It's been a few months since I've started first year and it's been really weird me and demi don't talk anymore but I got closer to Hannah I've seen Hannah walk around with this girl she's really pretty it's the same girl from the start of the year that Hannah was waving at its nice to see her happy.
It's nearly the Christmas brake we are sittings in class while watching a spider Man movie when  me and Emile the girl Hannah was always with we are giving out about the fact that it wasn't Tom Holland. Emile seems cool we wear getting ready to leave the class when Emile turns around and says 'you should totally come to my house soon' I was ABIT sad as I don't think she ment it I said yes and a few days later I actually end up getting the bus to her house before meeting her I head to the shop and grab her a monster we head to her house and we go into her room. Her bedroom was beautiful she was so lucky we end up watching a movie it was a horror movie I find it funny that Emile says whore instead of horror still to this day it makes me laugh we get a chippy we both get a sizzler box and we go sit down near the river talking about all the memories she had there and soon it was time to go I really didn't want to go home I really enjoyed spending time with her it was the first time I had fun in ages time goes by and I'm home I text Emile and shorty head to sleeps