i'm hungry

"i'm hungry"

I never thought I would be saying that phrase and not wanting to eat because of how people have made me feel. That's a sentence a lot of people hear and, for us, it's easy to satisfy that feeling, right?

There are people who can't and don't eat because they feel like if they take a bite out of that small silly-looking piece of bread their goal of looking "skinny" and the effort they've put into that would have been useless.

That's my case. This is not my first day trying not to eat, but maybe my 9th. Every time I want to eat something because I'm really craving it, I usually say: "fuck it". But nowadays I'm aware and it's eating my brain to think that everything I eat will be another reason for people to call me fat again.

I was happy with my body, I considered myself neither fat nor skinny, but before all of that, I was pleased with my body. Until I got told that I was called fat, and not only once. That feeling of emptiness inside you, and that cold sweat running through your face, for being told or realizing something really bad, just because people have called you something you were sure you overcame, or at least you thought so. I suppose everyone understands the feeling of "cold sweat", the feeling of stress that makes you want to dig a hole in the ground and stay there forever. People fail you, and it just breaks your heart.

In my case, I was thriving with my body, and I thought I was going back to a type of body that I liked and I was pleased with. But when I got called "that" I realized that some people tell you the truth, which is you look great, because everyone does, but young people, who are mostly my age, have a different perspective of beauty in terms of the body, because society has made us think that only skinny is beautiful. So because of the fact that people my age tend to say bad things about people who are not "beautiful", I had pressure on myself to make some changes because I felt like that was what I had to do, which was true. People say that at the end of the day, you have to be pleased with yourself and forget about what people say. But my opinion on this is that if you're surrounded daily by people who have this mentality, you're not comfortable, so everyone wants to change to be accepted. If you think of it, once people get to college and further from that, these problems usually go away because the people they were with in high school were immature and toxic. So don't tell young people to not listen to what others say, because it's impossible to ignore these comments when you have no other option than to go daily to a place full of those people.

Probably tomorrow I will be back to eating like usual, but that doesn't mean that those comments have made an impact on me. Don't get me wrong, all bodies are beautiful, and I do really think that. But, as I said before, if you're surrounded by people who exclude you because you're not "skinny", then what else am I supposed to do to feel better about myself?

As I'm writing this, I'm craving every type of food, I would literally eat the world right now, but I don't even want to ingest a single drop of water just in case that ends my "record" if that's a way to call it.