Dangerous Desires

One: Alexander

School’s starting tomorrow and my mind is all over the fucking place just thinking about it. All of the bands are lined up, they’ve been lined up since June, and Samantha Blakely is sitting in the one and only tenor sax chair for Symphonic Band. Truthfully I wish I was the one conducting that band, partly because of the quirky senior herself, but mainly because I adore working with the higher group.
Sure, I like working with Ensemble and Concert Yellow, but there are some pieces I want to do that I know the lower groups can’t pull off - it’s not that I don’t have confidence in them, it’s because I’ve talked with Toby and we know the pieces could only be done by Symphonic.

All of this thinking gets me to sigh, rolling over in my bed. Samantha. I wonder how her summer went. I remember her telling Toby and I she was anxious, yet I still gave her my little jabs, not even thinking until now that it could have made things worse. Thinking about that makes me sigh even heavier, turning over again so I’m back to facing the wall.

“Would you lay still? Some of us are trying to get some sleep.” And there’s my wife. She’s a sweet soul, sometimes, but I don’t know, something has started to change between us lately. The same routine with her is getting tiresome, and if I’m being honest I don’t even think I can say I’m still in love.

Yet, I’m sure you know how it goes. The minute I try to bring it up with her she’ll go all up in arms, thinking I’m cheating or something stupid, when in reality I just want to tell her my true thoughts and feelings.
One more deep, heavy sigh and I feel my eyes close, my thoughts scattering through my brain as I finally fall asleep for the night.

―――――

In the morning, I’m an anxious wreck. I barely eat anything, I scramble to get myself dressed, and I’m out the door about five minutes late. Great. Just wonderful.

As I get into my 2019 black Ford F-150, I force myself to take a deep breath. Just get through today, then tomorrow, then you have the weekend to think about everything and relax. That soothes me only a little, yet enough to at least help me return my focus to my driving.

About ten minutes is all it takes for me to get to the school, and when I get to the band room I instantly see Toby, pacing in the office. While I make my way over to him he looks up, nearly beaming when he sees me.

“Alex! Good, you’re here!”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I ask, throwing my bag onto my chair so I can take my jacket off. It’s not super cold today, but it’s that typical, chilly fall weather, and when my wife told me the temperature I grabbed a coat, slipping it over my button-down before I walked out to my car.

“I don’t know, but you’re never late.”

“Yeah, don’t remind me,” I reply, sighing. I do that a lot, now that I think about it.

“Are you ready for today?”

“As ready as I can be.” Another sigh as I shove my fingers through my hair, thinking about my band. I mean, I gave them all the music before the end of the year, once they found out their placements and everything, I just hope they’ve practiced.

“You’ll have to be patient with them, you know that. Now relax and go have fun!” Toby gives me a light shove, pushing me out of the office since all of the kids are ready to go and waiting on me. Yet I’m barely ready myself. Damn you Toby, I think to myself, I needed just a couple more minutes for Christ’s sake.

One more sigh and I’m up on the podium, staring out at all the kids’ faces. Some look pleased to be here, others not so much, and right now I don’t blame the latter.