My desperate endeavor to find my whoever

15) The D word

Alex

Erin suddenly clammed up. I think it was the mention of Tom that did it; the three of us were so close before the move, but I knew she'd realise how serious I was. It was harsh, but she needed to realise how much she means to me.

"Okay," she sighed weakly. "Okay, so you remember I told you about Gemma?" she asked; I nodded. "I didn't know she was cutting. I didn't know about anything. She never told me, but I told her all about what I did and how I felt. Gemma got the idea for her overdose from me." I furrowed my eyebrows in deep confusion, but I let her continue. "I was about, what, 15 when I started? At first, it was just scratching until the skin broke and I'd bleed for about 30 minutes. But, as you've probably guessed, that wasn't enough. It took me a couple of months, but I managed to progress up to cutting proper. Dad was worried about me not sleeping properly; about 5 or 6 months after I started, I'd stay up all night so I could admire what I was doing to myself, and he got me put on sleeping tablets. They'd knock me out from like 8 at night for a good 12 hours. I didn't realise at first, but that's where Gemma got the tablets. She took a whole sleeve without me noticing, and she managed to swallow half of them after she argued with her mum. That combined with the alcohol caused her to black out and she crashed straight through a shop front."

I didn't know how to react to that. I really don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't that. I rubbed the back of her hand with my thumb, so she wouldn't think I was a total dick. She seemed to calm down a little; her and Gemma were close, and I knew talking about her was difficult.

"I stopped cutting immediately after Gemma," she said confidently; I noticed a small, proud smile as she paused. "It made me realise that it wasn't the answer and that my problems weren't actually that bad. That was when I turned to art and photography. I re-sat my first year of college and re-chose my A Levels: art, photography and physics. Astronomy was my own private one; taught myself the entire syllabus and managed to get myself an A*."

"Surely that's a good thing?" I questioned; I'd held my tongue for too long. "You've just proved to me how you turned your life around, how your studies made you happy. But babe, that doesn't explain why you turned down your masters. That's the thing that baffles me."

I thought I saw tears coming down her face, but she didn't seem to react in any way so I presumed I was seeing things. Now she physically couldn't look at me, which I didn't like at all; that meant whatever she was going to say would kill me inside.

"When Professor Cox - THE Brian Cox - told me the masters programme was in America, I remembered you. I remembered how I felt about you. Alex, I was in love with you, and losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me before I lost Gemma. All I could think of was you and it seriously threw me off my dissertation for a good few months. I had it in my mind, if I'd come over, I'd have definitely bumped into you. I couldn't cope with you suddenly being back in my life again because I was so fragile after Gemma. So much so...started cutting again."

I closed my eyes tightly for a second. Erin hung her head, thinking I was ashamed of her. "So that's why you didn't bother with a masters?" I asked quietly; she nodded. "Erin, that's...that's just silly. I'm not mad...just upset that you felt that way."

"I know it's stupid," she began, chuckling slightly. "But I thought I could do it on my own. Like I genuinely believed I didn't need anyone's help to get through this. I was stupid. I turned the things I loved into a chore rather than a hobby. So much so that it drove me to start doing the one thing I hated again. I realise now that I was wrong."

I couldn't hold it in any longer. "Well, I'm glad you realised sooner rather than later." I murmured, rubbing the back of her hand with my thumb. "Otherwise I wouldn't have got the chance to do this."

Before I knew it I'd leant across the table, and we were kissing.

*

The guys had all gone to the venue for soundcheck - including Jack, for once. Since I kissed her in the diner, Erin and I couldn't keep our hands off each other; we were like a pair of teenagers. Like, right now, we were twisted around each other with nothing on, panting heavily. Yeah, it got a little like 'that'...

"I can't believe we actually just did that in this bloody coffin." Erin gasped for the fifth time, barely able to catch her breath. "Like, there's barely enough room for you in here and we just...I can't..."

"I know, I'm great," I said smugly.

Erin wrinkled her nose. "Meh, I've had better."

Before I could even react, she'd jumped out of the bunk and headed for the bathroom for safety, but she'd managed to tangle herself in the bedsheet. With a massive thud, she fell to the floor, laughing like a maniac. Her witch-like cackle filled the previously silent bus, but I wasn't laughing. I couldn't; the sound check was obviously done with and everyone was coming back to the bus.

"Erin!" I hissed, just as the door opened. She looked up; luckily Jack was the first one on, so he managed to hold them up so that one of us could hide. Erin grabbed her towels and dived into the bathroom, while I rolled across the floor and into my own bunk. I'm too good I swear.

"Nice lie-in, shitface?" Jack winked, throwing himself on top of me.

"Asshole." I murmured.

I threw Jack onto the floor, stretching out of the bunk just for appearance. I was called various names by the others for being lazy; if only they knew. Erin had the bright idea of pretending to shower - she was singing loudly to her Fall Out Boy playlist on Spotify, which she always had on when she went for a shower. The sound of running water stopped and she continued humming along to their version of Beat It. She opened the bathroom door and feigned shock.

"Jesus Christ!" Erin gasped, holding her chest. "I thought no one was on!"

"But Alex was here..." Flyzik pointed out, narrowing his eyes at us.

Shit. He was putting 2 and 2 together. I couldn't cope with this, not yet anyway. Lucky for me, Erin was a fast thinker.

"Yeah, and he was also asleep. You know he sleeps like he's in a coma!"

"True." he chuckled.

I finally let out a long breath; keeping this quiet is gonna be a tough one. "You're a fucking lifesaver." I breathed down her ear as she passed me to the back lounge.

Erin looked back over her shoulder at me. "I know right? It's just one of the many perks of dating me."

"Many?" I guffawed.

Wait, did she really just say 'dating'? Fuck. I hadn't even said the d-word yet, and it wasn't as if we'd been on a proper date since...well we hadn't actually! I knew we had a day off soon, so I had to get planning something special for us. 'Then maybe you'll be comfortable saying the d-word' I thought. When I looked at the tour schedule, we had 3 more days before our day off. I really couldn't leave her for that long. I had to do something pretty soon, or the d-word may never sit right with me. I can't lose her, not again.

"What the fuck are you doing?" a voice came from behind.

"Fuck sake, Jack!" I gasped. "I fucking told you to stop that!"

"Bro, when the fuck do I do as I'm told?"

"True..." I sighed. "Listen I need your help..." I dragged Jack off the bus and we headed to the nearest bar, planning something special for Erin.