Saudade

11

I closed my eyes shut really tightly as I squeeze my hands into tight fists

After awhile I finally open my eyes and read the message again

" I can't right now mea I'm not home"

Is this just an excuse

" what about when you get home? Why can't you just send me a picture of yourself through your camera roll?" I asked him

" I don't take pictures of myself, I don't like taking pictures of myself and all the ones I have are old" he responds

I feel my tummy tighten up

Is this a excuse I ask myself again

"Okay that's fine. I can wait until then :) I hope you're being safe wherever you are" I tell him

I take a deep breath, I don't like his response at all. How does he not have pictures of himself? There's no way.

He barely responded to me after that. After I asked to see a picture of him. This only made my heart race faster. I tried staying up til 3am but once 4am hit the clock. I was out.

He texted me when it was 8am for me. He acted as if nothing was supposed to happen. Like he wasn't supposed to send me pictures of himself.
I allowed myself to sleep in til noon.
Telling myself,
the longer I sleep the less I have time to overthink.

"Good morning to you too, I hope your day is going well." I text him

"It is now that you're awake. I wrote you something for making you wait last night, I felt bad. I just got really busy" He tells me

I loved when he wrote me things. It made me warm up from the inside and out.
I felt loved with the way he speaks about me.

"I need you too understand that, I will not hurt you and I will not allow our relationship to fail. Im really sorry I didn't send you a picture of myself. I just imagine us meeting in person because it's the right way to do it.
I will do everything and anything to support us.
I will not allow arguments to come between us
in fact the only way I'll ever leave you
is you fall out of love with me. Because I know
without a doubt in my mind I could not ever fall out of love with you.
And even if we did separate, I'd never regret anything to do with you
because you are the most valuable and amazing person I know.
I'm lucky to love you.
And luckier to even know you. "

Truth be told, I didn't even care or push about the picture after he sent that message. I was just in awe with what he sends me. I've never had someone express their feelings towards me into words. It felt so nice reading about how he sees me and how he feels about me.
I've never had that.
I didn't want to ruin something that felt so right though it might end up being so wrong.

I really hope that isn't the case.