to the moon fully blue

#1 "blue"

My name is Szarya Arafa-Monet.

My nickname is Zar or Blue.

I am 15 years old and i live in Switzerland.

I am Egyptian/French/English.

...And i dont understand the world.

My Mother Annette Arafa works as some type of airline management woman or whatever,

and so she has no time for me and moves around a lot.

That means i technically live by myself with 4 wonderful Roommates:

Vi, Scotty, Melle and Birdie.

I honestly think theyre the most perfect human beings on the planet.

They saved me.. just by being themselves.

Most people would think ive been through too much as im a

"15 year old girl"...I guess people still cant seem to accept that

there arent just TWO genders.

Well what have i been through?

By the age of 9 ive been sexually assaulted by the son of my mothers friend.

Been in various situations that ive been beaten up by people because i

couldnt defend myself.

I started to self harm by the age of 12 and became addicted.

I also hurted myself even more mentally by going out with

"bad people" around the age 12/13 as well.

I started to get confused with myself because i liked someone

of the same gender. But not in a platonic friend way or anything.

I thought somethings wrong with me for feeling that way.

So i tried to hide those thoughts from myself by pushing

it to the back of my mind. I couldnt tho. Those thoughts just got louder.

Like i could hear voices? not just my own voice of my thought.

I felt terrible then.. i felt alone.

I thought i was about to go insane.

So my self harm addiction got worse and once i did it when summer break

started. My mom wasnt working as management back then so she was

able to spend time with me and my brother.

She decided to take us to Italy.

We went to the beach one day and i was wearing a bikini of course..

she saw my scars.

I tried to hide them but failed because she wanted to go for a swim.

When she saw the scars she was so angry.

My heart skipped about 10 beats when i saw how angry she was.

She threatened to put my in a psych ward and yelled at me a lot.

I felt really empty that day. Like.. emotionless?

My father and her went for a walk along the beach after that.

She probably tried talking to him about me but i never found out.

She didnt say anything anymore and i just continued to hide my scars.

My brother found out on that trip as well tho.

I dont really remember how because it wasnt that clear..

if you know what i mean.

But he did talk to me once when our parents were at the bar, i remember him asking

"How come have you been feeling so Blue?". Im pretty sure i couldnt give him a clear answer.

I didnt know what to say. Because how could i tell him? what if he wouldnt..

understand? or if hed tell our parents?

My brothers a great guy tho...

Hes always been there for me.. even tho he hasnt known everything about me for

a while. He tried to be there at least. To understand my point of view..of the world and all.

But anyway we went back home and it wasnt really brought up anymore.

Then my father died when i was 14.. so about a year ago.

He was a drug addict or something but i never really noticed-

since i didnt have a great relationship with him anyway.

My Mother was already off on her new job so my guardian was basically my brother.

Since he turned 18 its legal and all.

I met Devin and Scotty when i was 10 or 11 but we got really close at around this time.

They comforted me when i needed it and i did the same for them.

We met Melle and Birdie around then too and became a friend group

and hung out almost every day.

Now im 15 and live with my friends in the same building as my brother in Geneva, Switzerland.

He checks on me and my friends when possible around- 3 times a week and i call my Mother

around 2 times a day.

So yea.. i guess i have been through a lot havent i?

An undiagnosed "crazy" kid apparently.

TO BE CONTINUED...