Surrera One Shots

Hollow Inside

TW: Miscarriage and loss. 

This one shot is set early season 5. Andy and Robert are separated and not really speaking much since the wedding. Time frame about 8 weeks after the wedding. Andy is Captain at 23, Beckett is Captain of 19. 

(Wanted to post this before tonights ep (12/05/22) after seeing a preview of  doomed Surrera :( other stories will be updated shortly)

She slammed the door shut behind her before leaning against it, allowing her body to slide down it before stopping in a seated position on the floor. Her phone beeped signalling a text and she struggled to hold it with shaking hands. The phone illuminated as it came to life, lighting up the dark of the night. Through her tears she saw the name Carina.

"Andy please call me or come round to see me and Maya, I don't want you to be on your own. I'm worried about you xxx"

Andy closed the message abruptly and threw her phone across the floor, it bounced a few times before it landed in a corner. If she didn't have the phone and she didn't have Carina then it wasn't true. She could just sit there on her own and pretend that nothing had happened. Thinking hurt at the moment. Everything hurt at the moment.

She curled up on the floor where she sat, not caring that she was in the doorway, not caring about anything. She just wanted to sleep and not have to think for a while. She knew that in reality her problems would all still be there when she woke but she couldn't think about that now. Her mind was consumed with the past few hours.

How she had woken this morning thinking about ways to tell her husband that she was expecting his baby even though they were currently separated to now having nothing but a hollow space inside her.

How the pains had gripped her while she was doing a gentle jog as the sun rose to the blood that had ran down her legs as Carina had helped her on to a hospital bed to the silence of the heart monitor when it was placed on her stomach. She would never forget Carina's face as she delivered the devastating news and then the pain and humiliation of a D&C for the incomplete miscarriage.

She had managed to utter to Carina to not tell Maya what had happened before she had discharged herself against Carina's medical advice. She couldn't lie there any longer where her baby had died. She couldn't bring herself to be in that place any more. So this was where she found herself now. In her new apartment. A place that was supposed to be a fresh start, yet she had only been living here a week and now if felt like the walls were closing in and suffocating her. She longed for Robert to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. But it wasn't. They weren't okay. She wasn't okay.

She cried herself to sleep that night with dreams of what might have been, family life with a child and Robert and for a moment when she woke, she had a smile on her face thinking that it was true. Then the silence hit her and the uncomfortable empty feeling inside and she knew. It was all just a dream. She had nothing, she had no one. She was alone in the world.

She had a shift today at 23 but she knew she couldn't go. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself into her work but she was still bleeding and it still hurt. There was no way she would get away with working and not being found out. Plus every time she thought of what she had lost she felt herself get tearful. She couldn't go in and let the insensitive men of 23 see her cry. Maddox would have a field day. So, although it felt so unnatural to her; she rang in sick.

It was at a big fire later that day that Robert first learned of Andy's sickness. 23 and 19 were working together and Robert had been hoping to see his wife there. He took any chance he could to speak to her and try to figure things out. They were getting no where fast but he was determined that they weren't going to throw their marriage away, they were good together. Or at least they had been once upon a time. Not spotting his wife in her familiar place in charge of 23 he managed to grab Theo once the fire was out. He informed him that Andy was off sick but that was all they knew.