A Straight Girl's Gender Dysphoria

What do I feel?

I feel pain from my head. It is not a physical pain but a mental pain. It feels painful because my mind is telling me something I don't look like.

My brain tells me that I am a woman but I know that I am not a woman. I look at the mirror and what I see is a male and not a female but my mind will still insist that I am a female.

This is very painful because I am literally at war with my own self. I hate myself. I really hate myself because it makes me hate it. I cannot control my brain. I cannot control the way it works. I don't know how to stop it. I am suffering because my own brain is telling me that I am a woman.

I am not a female. I do not have a female body.I do not have a vagina or breasts. I don't have a menstruation. I don't have a womb and yet despite of these facts, my brain will still tell me that I am a woman. This is the reason it is very painful, it is not other people who hurts me but rather, it is my own brain that hurts me. I want my brain to stop thinking that it is a female.

Other people will merely add to my pain. To say that I am not a woman is very painful. To laugh at me because I say that I wish I could look a female and be pregnant feels very sad, ashamed and it inevitably causes me to hate myself.

The pain is intense. It is an excruciating pain indeed. I have a hard time doing even simple things. The way my brain thinks about itself affects everything. It is difficult to live. It is like a disease that is intensely painful and gradually kills. Would you call that living? I would call that dying.

Why do I feel what I feel?

This mental illness that I am suffering from is known as 'Gender Identity Disorder' or G.I.D (recently renamed as "Gender Dysphoria").

Scientific research shows that G.I.D is a birth defect. There is an abnormality in the brain in regards to prenatal hormones in the gestation from the womb. Up-to-date, there is no cure for this disorder. Rather, a psychiatric and or medical treatment is available.

It is not my fault when my brain tells me that I am a female. I did not choose this. If I have a choice I would choose to be normal.

It is very obvious that my condition is an abnormality. Yes. I am not normal. If I have a male body, then, I should have a male mind but that is not the case with me.My own brain is telling me that I am a female and yet my body is not a female.

I am terribly suffering from it. I can't help but to just cry it out. The pain is always there. It goes away. It really hurts and I have found no help.

What do I want about what I feel?

I want to get rid of it. I want my brain to stop thinking that it is a female. I want my brain to be aligned with my male body. 

I do not want to be a transgender woman — a woman in mind and male in body. I want to be a normal boy — a boy who is male in mind and male in body. 

I want to be normal — either a normal woman or a normal boy.

There are three possible ways for this to happen:

1)  A miracle from Jesus.

2)  A Medical intervention.

3)  A Psychiatric intervention.

If this is not possible, then one thing remains:

1)  Death ( I don't want to die. No one wants to die. I just wanted to end the pain).

Death through:

1) Jesus sending his angels to receive my spirit.

2) Euthanasia