𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢'𝐥𝐥 𝐠𝐨 × larry

zero

warnings: this book will contain suicidal thoughts, suicide attampt, self harm, strong language, sexual content.

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Dear harry,
I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore.

Fuck!

I wish I was brave like you.

louis's hand grips the pencil tighter and the pressure of it against the paper makes the led snap in half. he wanted to explain to harry why he had to do this but his writing is messy with how much his hands are shaking and his spelling is so bad. he wanted to leave something sentimental to the one person who had kept him going for so long but he still can't find the words.

taking in a deep breath, louis tries to stop his eyes from stinging by filling his lungs with the cold sea air. the wind blows the paper around and he holds it down with one hand absentmindedly.

Remember when we where fourteen, harry. You where like a brother to me back then.

the broken led makes a scratching sound against the paper but louis doesn't bother to sharpen the pencil.

After school one day, you where helping me with my math homework (not that you where the top of the class or anything, just better then me). I was laying on the soft grass of that oval and you sat on the cold metal railing swinging your legs. I asked you if you got 0.35 for question 5 and when you said yes, I smiled because that meant I got the question right too.

louis lets his mind wonder back to that day, they where still fresh to there friendship, still had so much to learn about each other. there was still so many memories to be made together.

And then I told you something that made you angry. I told you you didn't have to keep being my friend. everyone in our year level loved you, harry, and you could have easily had been one of the cool kids but you chose me and for some reason I thought I was holding you back.

louis knew he was. harry wasn't invited to any of the parties because they knew he'd drag Louis along and no one wanted that. but still, everyone admired harry, with just a smile he was able to bring happiness to the people around him.

You told me not to be a fucking idiot and that if you wanted other friends you would find them but you didn't. You told me you only wanted me and then you took me by the hand. fuck, that memory had kept me going for so long.

louis cries, letting the tears stain the scrunched up piece of paper. he shouldn't be sad. he doesn't want this, but theres no other option. he can't do this anymore

I can pretend I don't need you, but I would be lying to myself. I know it isn't fair to hold you back.

I can't continue on like this.

I don't expect you to understand, and I'm not saying that to try and insult you. It's just the truth.

Your family loves each other no matter what. They are excepting, forgiving and caring, but mine are not.

They're just fucking cruel.

And I can't take it anymore.

This will hurt you and there will probably be days where you cry your eyes out at the thought of me. When I'm gone, though, you'll get through it. Even though it feels like you wont, you will get through it because I know you. You're tough and resilient. Confident and brave. There is nothing you could ever not get over.

And you will find someone else to love, someone better than me. Maybe not someone who can love you as much as I have loved you, but someone who will treat you well.

These past few years have been a scale. Weighing the good and the bad. And for a few years the good had out weighed the bad but now your the only thing that can make me smile.

Seeing you with him killed me and it made me realise if you end up with him how often would I see you? How often would I smile?

If we continue like this, you will continue living your life like you're walking on a mind field, afraid of you next step like, i'm going to go off at every second. This was what you where worried about, right. Why you where sneaking around with him. I know you don't feel the same about me that I do. And that's okay, harry.

But I can't go on like this

I can't live my life relying on someone else's man. I need to be able to rely on myself.

louis tears land softly on the paper.

I'm sorry.

I can't fucking do this anymore.

Love always,
louis.

Louis's hand is shaking by the last line. He places his pencil down and folds the paper until it's small enough to fit into the envelop. Once the tear stained letter is ready, louis holds the envelop with both hands before placing a light kiss against it. He then scribbles the last word he will ever write on the front of it.

harry

-

Harry's heart sinks as he read louis's letter, sadness and nausea hitting him all at once. he had arrived home earlier than usual from work and had found the small envelop that was addressed to him in louis's messy hand writing.

at first harry was confused, he didn't understand what the letter was about but the further he got into the letter and the more information he received it dawned on him.

louis going to end it all?

as harry read the last line it took him a little while to let it all sink in. harry couldn't let that that happen. He couldn't live with himself if he let that happen.

x

Word count: 940