dream.

maybe one day... [eng ver]

important notes next chapter, enjoy.

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we were all at a school trip, i'm guessing it was some kind of free time that was happening when i was outside, along with some friends.

at some point, i turn around to felix where he is with his own friends, and i see that he's crying (no obvious reason). i don't think twice before leaving my bag behind with those with me and running up to him. as a push lightly some people out of my way, he notices that i'm there.

felix's crying his eyes out, i couldn't just leave him like that.

i hug him and he accepts it, while i'm placing one of my hands in his head, caressing it. i repeat, "it's okay, it's okay" while he relaxes his body onto mine, until felix's legs are no longer supporting his body and i am instead. hiccups, breathing fast... it broke me to see my precious boy like that.

i say, "it's okay to cry, it's okay to be upset". i don't even know what caused this, but the felix i knew needed to hear that for sure, since he had a problem with being vulnerable around people. so i said it. again and again. quietly every time, until i stopped and you could just hear him sniffing from recently crying. his breathing still fast, but it calms down eventually. his friends all just looking at us. to be fair, i forgot they were there, and now wasn't the time to care about it. i just ignored all the staring.

when felix stops (with just a few sniffs here and there), the silence takes over. no one says anything and, honestly, i'm glad. felix is in such a vulnerable state, the last thing i want is anyone making it weird.

it also felt nice for me. it felt comforting to feel... important again to felix, after so long. i know it's idiotic of me, but... inside of me somewhere, i still had a space in my heart for him. i like to think i don't, but it's quite obvious i do. i think it's more of a hope that lee felix will come back and he'll be better than last time. but that's just almost...

impossible.

coming back to my senses, i feel him getting up so i let go. i just realized that he had his face towards my chest because my shirt is a bit wet from tears. i don't care, don't get me wrong. felix, on the other hand, started apologizing for what just happened.

"sorry for that, hyunjin", he says in a quiet voice. it honestly breaks my heart. where the fuck is his little boyfriend to help him?

"what was telling you just now?" i respond lighthearted, referring to the fact i kept telling him it was okay. "you have nothing to apologize for, lix", i smile softly.

lix... i missed calling him that.

lee smiles back, but you can see that it's kinda of a sad smile. we are now both standing up, awkwardly, actually. felix starts to walk away and i follow him. although he's with his friends, i still didn't want to leave him. lix didn't seem to mind anyway. no explanation was given and i didn't force him to give me one. i would never force him to do anything.

we get inside of a building and end up sitting down on the floor, and they started playing with some cards. i didn't want to play, so i just stayed there and watched. i started wondering where my bag is, hoping jisung didn't have a brilliant idea of putting somewhere to hide again.

all of the sudden, they announce a competition is going to happen. it seems to be something to do with trampolining from what i heard. i get excited, so naturally i go to the window to watch it, sitting down on the floor.

however, to my surprise, lee followed me and left all of the others behind, saying to me, "this is minimum i can do for you" (which i related with the fact i helped him today), when i was about to ask why he went with me.

lee felix wanted to keep me company! i'm the happiest!

he sat down by my side and we watched together. we kinda had eye contact once in a while, which made me have that butterflies in my stomach.

gosh, how much i missed that feeling...
i'm happy again.

but then... i wake up.

my alarm indicates that it's 7:00am. its beeping is the only noise in that empty room.

ah, of course, it was a dream. it could not possibly be true.

a wave of melancholy hits me, really strong this time.

why would it be true if it was the man that told me he couldn't handle a relationship anymore because of his mental health, but starts liking a different boy two days later? and starts dating him a week later?

why would it be true if it was the man that gave me reassurance that his best friend, bang chan, was not better than me, but starts dating him after the break up?

why would it be true if it was the man that just stopped sparing time for me or starting a conversation with me whatsoever?

why would it be true if it was the man that replaced me with a snap of a finger?

why would it be true if it was the man that would whisper i love you to me while cuddling with me, but now says i love you to someone who he liked for a few days?

why would it be true if it was the man that promised me that loved me from the moon and back...

but left me like this?

you said i was the perfect boyfriend.

why did you leave me?

so many questions but no answers. needless to say, i won't have the answers. i'm not even sure if i want to know them.

now i watch him with bang chan in school. every. single. day.

and he does seem to be happy... so happy...

maybe it's selfish of me to still think these things; i'm happy for him, i just...

wish it was me.