Do you remember all the times you would fight with me about my past. Saying "I didn't do those things to you why should i get punished for them." Or "you didn't make the other guys jump through hoops like you made me" I remember crying after we were done arguing because I knew you would never understand.
I tried and tried to explain my past to you, to explain the things other guys had done to me, treated me, or said to me. I tried to explain to you that those things will never go away. I tried to explain that the way someone makes you feel will never be forgotten, maybe their words... but the feeling.. never. I tried to explain that it wasn't about you, but that I don't want to feel that way again, and so I was hesitant about a lot things.
I remember being hesitant to trust you when you told me I was pretty.. Because I've heard that before. I was hesitant to believe you When you told me you loved me for the first time.. because again I've heard that before. When you told me that you would always be there for me, when you said that would would never hurt me? Would never cheat on me? Or do me dirty like I've been done in the past. I was hesitant to believe you. I was just the new girl, a new interest, someone new to conquer, someone new to add to their list. I fell for those guys a couple of times. But not this time I told myself.
How was I supposed to know that we would still be together up to this point at that time. You didn't understand that i have been treated like this before, heard the same things you told me tons of times. So when we started our relationship I kept the mentality "not this time." ThIs time I'm not going to end up feeling used.. played.. or abused. This time i told myself I'll have a backbone. This time I will protect my emotions and my feelings. This time I won't put up with somebody's excuses. This time i want and will be respected.
I remember I finally let my guard down and became your girlfriend. It was the happiest day. Do you remember all those long talks we had about my past and yours? When we shared all of our secrets and told each other things no one else knew. I remember letting my guard down and trusting you with things no one knew. I remember you told me you loved me and you would never do any of those things to me. And wouldn't use the information against me. I remember I was hesitant to believe you. Do you remember when you told me that you wouldn't use my past against me? Do you remember the times you called me a slut for my past? Or All The times you would try and compare our relationship to my past ones? I do. Do you remember the countless times we argued about this? and the countless amount of times that you said that you understand? The amount of times you were ready to up and leave? I do. I believed you every time you said those words and every time i was let down, but i stayed. Do you remember telling me that you weren't messing with anyone else when we first started talking? I do. Do you remember the day i found text messages and pictures from other girls from your phone? I do.
Do you remember the day you cheated on me? I do. That day is still burned into my head, the way I felt when I found out. I thought you understood how I had been treated before? the feeling of betrayal. The thought of how stupid i was that I thought with this relationship would be different. With this relationship id take the precautions of opening up to only end up with the same result. Yet With this relationship i would fail again. Do you remember when i forgave you.. only to find out two years later that there was another female and it wasn't the only time.
i understand that me pushing back is what caused this but i still thought you "understood". Understood the way i had been treated in the past and my actions towards you because of it. I believed you every time you said those words and every time i was let down, but again I stayed.
Do you remember the day you gave me that glass rose I felt so special, so loved. I looked at it everyday, and thought of you. Do you remember all the times you told me you didn't want to be with anyone else, you couldn't see yourself with anyone else, you wanted to start a family with me, grow old with me, and be with me forever? I wasn't hesitant to believe you anymore. I trusted you, I loved you. I knew we would be together forever.
I remember i started to feel alone. You became distant, closed off.. content. We weren't spending time together anymore, only in passing or only when we slept. I remember you coming home and we didn't even greet each other. I remember you crawling into bed with me around 1am every night after hours of sitting in your car. I felt safe, warm and loved. But that feeling soon faded when you would get up to go to class. And the cycle continued. I remember telling you i felt disconnected from you, telling you i missed you and wanted to be with you, and what it was doing to me mentally. How I wanted to feel like a priority. But our schedules just didn't work out that way. I remember my anxiety and depression getting worse then and started sending me in a downward spiral. I remember crying everyday and having anxiety attacks in class. I remember not wanting to get out of bed, go to work, or to do my homework. I remember going to you for help and you would tell me to "just relax". I remembered the words you told me before "I promise I will always be here for you.". Do you remember the day you told me you can't help me anymore, you don't know what else to do and you cant be my only source of happiness. I remember needing you the most, but that was when you walked away.
I remember all the arguments and nights that you would pack your bags to leave from my apartment to stay in your dorm. I remember the face you made when you walked out. The things you said to me as you packed your bags. How i was just like everyone else. How you couldn't marry someone that isn't a wife. How i was selfish in the beginning of the relationship for trying to protect myself from being hurt. Do you remember me crying to you because i wanted to feel like a priority. And how i was bing too demanding. Do remember how it almost got to the point that you wanted to leave me because of it? I do
Do you remember all the times you would fight with me about my past. Saying "I didn't do those things to you why should i get punished for them." Or "you didn't make the other guys jump through hoops like you made me" Do you still think i was dumb to be hesitant to believe the things you told me? I will still be hesitant to think that someone could like me, would want to be with me, loves me, would never hurt me, would never cheat on me, would never lie to me, means what they say, keep their promises, and I will forever be hesitant to believe that someone will never leave. Because they all eventually leave, sooner or later.
I remember when I told you that I love you for the first time. I meant that. I remember when i told you that i would stand by you through whatever you and we were going through. I did that. I remember when I told you that i would never cheat on you, would never lie to you, that i will always mean what i say and keep my promises to you. Ive done that. I've expressed to you that you are my future and everything that ive ever wanted. Because this time it was different for me, for once I knew exactly who and what I wanted. This time I opened up completely and honestly. This time I let someone completely in. This time I wanted things to go differently.
Do you remember the way you felt, how angry and frustrated you were, when I would allow my past to effect my future? Now maybe you'll understand how it happens and how it all started. You've added to my past, the past that will always effect my future. Your actions and words have added more examples as to why I was hesitant, why I pulled back, why I took your words with a grain of salt in the beginning.
It's because of this that the cycle continued.
