Dave's POV
I wasn't the same person that I used to be. The last two years have been difficult to say the least. There has been fun and happy times but they have now long been forgotten. Almost like a time that never was.
Time after time there is a problem and ridiculous situation that needn't be. I was beginning to die on the inside. The matter of money has become the fourth member of the band and not to mention people coming from out of nowhere playing with our lives.
Enjoyment was the main feeling I used to receive but now it is far from that. There is also the slight fact that Kurt and I kissed last year. Since then it's really made so much fucking sense to me....Kurt has got married and is now a father. It's like nothing happened between us. I think about it every day but not Kurt. He's not even in this world. He has changed and I can't find the strength to approach him. It hurts that he's become a stranger to me.
I attended his wedding and made sure I got myself wasted. Man, I was so drunk. I felt at that point I would support Kurt. I cared too much not to be there but it fucking hurt me like nothing before. I was confused and frustrated. I am now angry. The only person who can give me a fucking answer to all of this is Kurt but he's fucked over on heroin, miserable, snappy and to be honest he's treated Krist and me like fucking shit but I still can't shake these feelings.
Today we had to do an interview and I really couldn't face anyone and I have to put on a show of the great band we are when it feels like we all hate each other's guts.
Krist is hardly around and isn't around when he doesn't have to be but I need to be somewhat close to Kurt because I can't let him go regardless of how he's changed into a super fucking asshole.
I arrived alone at the given location. I had been chain smoking all morning. I was stressed beyond belief. I needed to get this out of the way and I had decided to leave the city and spend a few days with my family because I was on the verge of going insane.
As per fucking usual a load of random fucking people were invading my head space and of who were all either drunk or high on drugs. My heart sank, I could of left and never shown my face again. I spotted Krist which is never a hard task and in turn he ushered me over towards him. Withdrawn inside myself I managed to slowly walked over with my head drooped and my body limp. My energy was being sucked from me with every second I was there.
I heard somebody say that Kurt was late and in fact later than late. Only an hour after this was the news that Kurt was too ill to make an appearance. What a fucking waste of time and not to mention a total fucking head fuck. I had to leave and get my head together. Everything was turning to shit hour by hour but before I ran off to gather my life back together I need to see Kurt.
I arrived at the apartment which Kurt and Courtney were renting. I was so hyped on so many conflicting thoughts and emotions I didn't even have a clue what I was doing but I rang the door bell.
What seemed like an eternity finally came to an end when the front door slowly opened. I peered into Kurt's blue glassy eyes. He looked a fucking state. His skin had no colour and scabs forming all over his face. He looked a disgrace and I was relieved that he didn't show up looking as he did. However, his eyes lured me into what attracted me to him in the first place. He told so much with those eyes and I kind of melted a little bit. I felt I wanted to hug him, protect him and care for him and get him out of this fucking mess but reality hit me. I couldn't work miracles and it was killing me.
Kurt's POV
After months of feeling numb all over. Body and mind was virtually non existent. For that split second I finally discovered that I was alive. My heartbeat increased letting life flow through me again. Dave stood looking at me. He didn't look happy but I guess I couldn't really fathom what he was feeling or what he wanted to say. I was happy to see him.
When we kissed last year I felt exhilarated and more than a description as simple as happy. I longed for that feeling again but life had a way of shitting on you wherever and whenever possible. I wasn't sure how much more I could take and Dave just calmed me in that moment. I wanted to pour my heart out and let him into this dark place. I wasn't thinking straight and I wasn't doing the right things. I wanted him to help me but I just couldn't no matter how much I wanted to.
Dave made no effort to show that this was a social visit. His dark eyes peered into me almost like he was possessed. He finally spoke and broke his gaze whilst sighing.
"I'm leaving. I don't know when I will be back. I've just had enough of everything right now", he slowly looked back at me. There was a deep thought going through his mind and then he continued "I want you to be happy. I hate seeing you like this. What is happening to you? You have a daughter now and look at you! ".
These words tore through my heart and I knew he was right. He was looking at me in such disgrace. I wanted to break down and cry. I was loosing everything. My body ached to explain but like a pre historic language no one could understand. I didn't even understand. I couldn't even speak. Cowardly I looked down and Dave wasted no time in departing. He gave a sarcastic gasp of laughter which was in disbelief of my lack of remorse but I was paralysed. I couldn't speak.
I retaliated to the darkened space of my bedroom once more. I had become involved in a loop of infinity with regards to Heroin. I knew I shouldn't but I did anyway. I felt Euphoric and pain was banished but all I am now is a shell of a human dependant on a substance that is quite literally killing me.
My contradictory personality frustrates the hell out of me. I seemed to love making people hate me. I like pissing people off. I hate who I am and I want others to feel this away about me too. It kind of balances my head out and makes me think slightly clearer. Although, I am far from actively trying to better myself. I can't even be a proper father to my daughter and I don't want her to grow up and see this thing that she knows as her Dad.
Swirling cascades of thoughts started to flood my mind and I knew the only thing I could do was initiate the practice of Euphoria again.
Dave's POV
I have been away from everyone and everything and I am glad to say that I feel somewhat improved but still no closer to any answer. I knew that once I had to go back and face the music (no pun intended) then I would be bombarded with everything all over again. My anger had been suppressed but only laying dormant until an inevitable situation would force it to erupt once again.
I could see Kurt was ill and I knew deep down that he didn't want things to be this way but I didn't know what to do. Just as quickly as the success of Nirvana kept increasing so did the speed of the band falling apart. This is all I ever wanted and I think I'm falling for Kurt because despite of my hated towards him at times I just can't help but think about him constantly. I can't confide in him. He just isn't there anymore. I'm fucking lost.
The city was as gloomy as ever once I arrived back and it matched my feelings perfectly. I didn't know where I was going or what I was going to once I got there. I could of just stepped back in the car and kept driving and never stop until I reached a place where nothing could possibly hurt me but I still had fight in me which hadn't yet disappeared with everything else that I had once known.
