Talking With Destiny

Part Five : What it's like

It's hard to relate something so beautifully simple to something so horribly difficult. But that's basically my life after James. It's simple. He's real to me. But to everyone else he's not real. It's difficult for them to realize what's going on with me.
"Hey Kota." Dustin said.
It was about 2 in the morning and I got sick of sitting and thinking.
"Can you help me go back to sleep?" I asked.
"Sure." He sat up and rubbed his eyes then followed me back to my room. I lied down and he lied next to me. He began singing a tune and running his hands through my hair.
It reminded me of when my mother wasn't like she is now.
It also made me miss James even more.
I began softly crying and Dustin saw.
"Hey now. Why you crying? You're such a pretty girl, no need for tears now." He wiped them with his fingers and began caressing my cheek.
"James is really there. Somewhere in the world he's there. I know he is." I said. I put my face into Dustins chest and I could almost feel the jealousness radiating off him.
He grabbed my waist and pulled me near him and put his hand under my chin. He made me look up to him.
"I'm always here for you. Kota. Always. I believe in you although, I am real. Look. I'm here. I'm real. I'm with you. You don't need James" with that he kissed me. But it didn't feel right. I pushed him back.
"No. Dustin. I'm sorry." He looked really upset and hurt. "I mean thank you. I love you Dustin but I need James right now. And only James."
Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I really was imagining him. What if Dustins right?
What if James didn't exist? All the worry and looks from others for everything they expect. What will I do if I never get to James? I will have no one to help me. My hero wouldn't be real. I would have made the whole thing up.
Dustin nodded and swallowed his tears. Then I kissed his cheek. Doubting myself about James made me realize I'm gonna need Dustin to keep me sane. If James is just my thoughts then I need Dustin to level out the plane field. "Never leave me Dustin. Promise me."
"Dakota, I promise you with my heart and soul and the rest of my being I will never leave you. Till the day I die I will never leave you."
I put my head to his chest and got comfortable. I don't know or remember when but I eventually fell asleep.
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The next morning I woke up with Dustin still holding me and the alarm clock screaming. I slammed my fist down and hit all four buttons at once. At least it shut the damn thing up.
I got ready for school and wondered if James was gonna be in my world today. I also wondered how awkward it was going to be now that he kissed me.
Did he really mean it? Was the kiss wonderful to him?
All these questions to ask to someone potentially not real. Someone who changed my life. Or a thought that changed me.
-
I walked into school at 7:00 and James wasn't to be seen yet. I walked into my classes like normal. And they went by pretty quickly.
Soon enough lunch came and I sat at my table alone. James usually is here but not today for some reason.
Then a group of people came to my table and they sat down. A guy with black swoopy hair sat in front of me. He said, "So, your invisible boyfriend not here today?" He smirked and they all laughed.
"He's not my boyfriend." I said with clenched teeth.
"But he's still invisible right?" They laughed again.
"You need to shut up." I said. "Before I do something stupid."
"Ooh," he looked at his friends. "Boy oh boy, she's gonna go schizo freak on us!"
I stood up. "IM NOT SCHIZOPHRENIC!" I yelled. The whole lunch room got quiet. All the eyes were on me.
"I guess not schizophrenic but definitely bi polar. Wow." The guy said. They stood up and left.
I was seething to myself when I sat back down. I'm not crazy right?! Definitely not. James is real. He just obviously hasn't gone to sleep yet. On a Tuesday. And the medicine just put me to sleep. It's not controlling my thoughts. James is not a thought. Or is he?