Bye, A Whiny Bitch Having an Identity Crisis, xoxo.

5/22/2022

8:32 PM 5/22/2022

I sit in my spot in our den, on the black weird feeling, and for some reason always ice cold bean bag in the corner, pushed up against the couch and the wall. It has a little window cill, meaning I can put glasses there, and easy access to the coffee table to put down my dishes once I'm done. Sometimes I realize how often we eat dinner while watching TV, almost a comedic amount. We barely ever sit together, mostly just for breakfast on weekends, when my parents make the most disgusting smoothies I've ever tasted. With kale, and probably an unhealthy amount of protein powder. I'm not picky, so I always drink it anyway. As you can tell- I have definitely not grown out of my sweet tooth. It seems as though whenever we sit together, as a family, we only talk about politics. Mostly we talk about all the new abortion laws. It kind of sucks, but I know that as I write I feel as if I'm over-dramatizing how deeply horrible and miserable my life is, as if I want pity. I don't want pity. And reading over my work, it feels right. Anyway, I grab the remote, reaching my arm as far toward the coffee table as I can without ripping it apart. I sigh, realizing I have to sit up straight to reach it. Scrolling through Netflix, I try to find a movie to watch for movie night, which is every Sunday for some reason. My sister is supposed to help me, but she's finishing her game. Which probably means she's not going to help me out with choosing a movie. This also means my mom is going to get annoyed at her and then be cranky and everyone in our house for the rest of the night. Finally, as I'm watching a trailer for a movie I forget the name of, my sister walks into the room, eyes on her phone as she plops down onto the couch. "Are you choosing this one?" She asks, "Yeah, probably.." I yawn and turn off the TV. Stretching and standing up, my feet being frozen by the cold tile floor. Walking out of the hallway, into our living room, dining room, and kitchen, my Mom stops me. "Did you guys pick one?" She asks, "Yep!" I reply, excitedly, when in reality, I'm tired as fuck and want to lie down and never get up, resting there for eternity, not dead, just paused. "What's the name?" She asks, practically yelling over the sound of boiling water and chopping, "Hunt for the Wilder People I think!" I yell as well, "Huh?" She asks, not hearing me. This repeats 5 times before I give up and yell "Nevermind!"I slip back into my room, escaping the horrid smell of my parents frying fish in our kitchen. I slump back down on my bed to turn on my music through my headphones and play Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I'm trying to find good treasure islands on twitch, and so far I've been to 3. My favourite song comes on the first try somehow when I hit play for my playlist on Spotify. Born2Run comes on, as I nod my head quietly to the first lyrics, but after the first chorus or so, it starts getting quieter and I get more involved in my game. I check my messages as my phone buzzes. It's my friend responding to my message saying "Hey! Sorry! Can't make it this weekend. Maybe next weekend? :))" I sigh and set my phone down. My mom keeps calling me for dinner, but I pretend I can't hear her until she comes into my room to get me up.

10:55 PM 5/22/2022

I come back to my room after watching a movie with my family. It was weirdly good. It had too many jumpscares though, and was too long. I immediately plug in my Nintendo switch that I'd been multitasking with during the movie, then fall onto my bed. I'm supposed to be in bed, devices away, showered, and have brushed my teeth in basically an hour. I sit there for a bit before getting out my computer. I keep waiting there, looking over my texts that my friend Vinny has yet to respond to. "Hii!! Hru? :))" My message says, the words creep into my head, as I think it's cringey, clingy, and annoying overall when I think about it. They were from 7:06 pm, so it's been like 4 hours. To be fair though, she's 3 hours ahead of me, so she was probably getting ready for school tomorrow. Luckily for me, tomorrow's victoria day in Canada. So I have school off. Then the next day, Tuesday, there's a PD day. I always kinda forget what it stands for. I suddenly hear Karl, my gecko,'s mister click and turn off. Reminding me he's probably already awake and I need to turn off his light. As I lick my teeth to get something out, probably a fishbone from dinner, I feel disgusting. I'm reminded I haven't brushed my teeth for 2 days. I think about trying whitening strips tomorrow. I probably should. One of my favorite songs comes on, probably my 4th favourite? Lotta True Crime by Penelope Scott. I know it's cliche teen angst to listen to Penelope Scott, but I like her music. Today I cried. A lot. Not really though, I should've been crying, I felt like I should cry, but I couldn't. I was thinking about my old friend. I met him in September of 2020. We got into an argument (kind of) in November 2021. It wasn't really an argument, just me having trouble accepting we weren't friends anymore, so I took it out on him. He was so nice to me through it though... I hate it and love it at the same time. I should've known that he didn't wanna be friends with me when I met him. I had turned 10 that July, and he'd be turning 13 a couple of months later in December. So definitely a lot older. I hate how he was nice, it feels like he pities me. He sees me as a little kid going through their first loss of a real friend. Which to be fair, is exactly what was happening. I'd never made a friend on my own before. He was the first online friend I showed my face to, and actually liked and saw as my best friend. But on the other side, it was nice, because he still cared. It felt like that anyway. I know he doesn't give an absolute shit about me.

Bye,

-A whiny bitch having an identity crisis, xoxo.