It’s the 6th of September today.
My mom told me I should get back to school because we’re having a day revolving about mental health. My school never did that, only after Sasha decided to kill themself.
It’s 7:53 am. I should leave for school. I haven’t gone to school since Sasha dies two weeks ago.
I’m ten minutes late for first period so that I wouldn’t get stared at in the hallways.
I walk into class, they’re talking about bullying. When I open the door, the whole class got silent and every single person is looking at me.
I go sit down next to my ex-best friend. She doesn’t talk to me anymore because she thinks I’m “weird”, just like Sasha.
I don’t want to be in school. I want to be with Sasha, watching horror movies and laughing at how stupid the characters are, making food together and talking about random people. They made me whole.
I didn’t die on that day, but something inside me dies with Sasha. The fact that they loved me too, makes it worse.
“2nd of March.
I don’t want to deal with anything anymore, why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just be happy?
I hate myself. I hate everyone. I don’t want to live anymore.”
I walk through the school hallways with my headphones on. I walk past Sasha’s old locker. It’s full of cards and flowers and messages.
Sasha had many friends, not like me. Everyone loved them except the bullies, of course.
One of Sashas friends walk towards me, they look like they just cried.
“Hey, you must be Loris, right?” I looked at them in confusion. Why would they talk to me?
“Hello, yes, I’m Loris. And you are?” I ask because I’m trying to be polite.
“I’m Ronny. My pronouns are he/him.” He says.
“Why are you talking to me?” That sounded rude.
“You were Sahsas best friend. You must know why they did what they did, right?” He asks.
“Yes, I do. But why would I tell you? They gave their diary to me, in private.” I’m annoyed with him. I know he just wants to know. Sasha and Ronny were friends. Why am I how I am?
I’m walking away, I don’t want to see anyone right now. I can’t handle people now. I want to leave.
I look at my phone : *two missed calls from Mom♡*. Shit. I call her back.
“I found Sashas diary. We need to talk.” Mom says. She sounds angry. I can’t deal with her today I just want to leave.
I go home. I cry and cry and cry. I can’t stop. I miss her so much. My mom just looks at me in confusion, and she wants answers.
I tell her that she doesn’t have to worry about it.
“Why did you go in my room?” I ask as she starts to look at her phone. She looks uninterested.
“I wanted to clean.” She says. As if. I walk away. I want to leave.
“Wait. Stay.” Mom shouts at me.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone into your room. Are you okay? I know you’ve been struggling. I’m sorry. Dearly.”
I look at my mom, not knowing what to say.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Also there’s not mucb to say. I just miss Sasha.” I told her while fighting my tears. I have to be strong. For Sasha.
Mom looks worried. She leans in and hugs me. I really needed that.
My mom looks at me and says “I love you, and I’m there for you if you need me. If you don’t want to talk I totally understand and respect that.”
