Falling Apart ( After fan fiction)

Tess's Diary

Dear diary,

I was watching Gilmore Girls this afternoon and entirely to the evening. I got up with a thought why not name you something like Lorelai's does to everything. I feel you can be my Lorelai? Won't you? Life has been very different lately. I think I lost my senses to judge. Things are turning upside down, just 2 weeks before Christmas I can't just believe I have to freak deal with all of these. I am happy that I got into New York University. I am happy to be in a new place -away from my mom and Ryle. Sometimes, I feel like they're way too much for me. I am not sounding pathetic or ungrateful but I am tired of daily fights and their bonding together. Like every time, mom comes up to me saying I had the faults. How can she put everything on me? Why can't she keep her baggage to herself? I have a lot of things going inside of me, damn that she will ever know about it or the existence of the painful thoughts inside my head, crawling and torturing me up.  She will never know and think some Indin restaurant food gonna make me okay. She's angry but everything is portrayed on me. When she thinks of me, it's what she thinks of her own future because she is looking toward me. I understand that's a daughter's responsibility but I don't know what's making me storm inside that is leading me to pour it here. I think I got different genes, I keep up to myself like my father no matter my hardest. But I am never able to say anything because according to my mother every bad trait of mine is from my father. It always she speaks and speaks and never listens. I am unheard. How ridiculous! 

I love her, I do love her but sometimes things aren't okay and I literally don't see it the way she takes the credit off. I appreciate that she had miseries and coping and got up but I think there is more to it.
The same while today Ryle tried to make out. I didn't feel good, not even a bit. It's not what and how I want things to be. His touch is just a pleasure for him, not to me. I do what he says to avoid the fight, the hurts, and a long speech from my mother about how I am ill-treating Mr. Perfect (in her world). Love certainly doesn't mean controlling someone. If it's controlling, it's manipulative and it's toxic. I don't know but this freedom to college will be the best years before my mom ties my hand to Ryle. I wish I can get a job and settle in Seattle. I just want to be away from them. Here, is the point I don't understand myself. I love them but I wanna be away from them. Is that how you cope with your pain? I don't know, today was a hell of a lot of feelings. I might have some fries now, upset my stomach, and sleep. Please don't mind whatever I said. Ugh, just forget it.

yours, tess