Travis' POV
I sat on top of neatly made sheets and blankets id fixed just that morning too scared to sit under them on my bed till after the yelling in the room below me relaxed. I eavesdropped to the sound of crashing followed by my mother's sobs and my father's insults. My fist bawled up at the thought of some bigoted old man that I was forced to respect hurting my poor mom every time I heard her cry more thoughts of his or even my own destruction flooded in. 'I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. He makes me feel useless. He makes mom feel alone. He makes me feel-' my own thoughts were cut off by something triggering me into my happy place most likely the chaos ensuing down in the kitchen. 'Sal' my mind drifted to the one good thing in my life the modern angel I couldn't shake my mind off of. It was a sin; he was a sin. But I'd be lying if I said I'd never wanted to sin more in my life. Filthy thoughts painted over my hateful ones feeling good for only a moment before I felt my face heat up. I became heavy with guilt tears falling down my face. I wanted him and God, I fucking hated him, Christ please what's happening. My head hurt and I ached all over. I decided it was easier fucking up my bed just so I could hold onto my pillow. I grabbed it and held it tight to my chest trying to catch my breath 'I wish he was here'. My pillow made a poor substitute for the boy I started sobbing over vaguely listening to the yelling while images of him flashed in my mind. He was perfect, I hated him. Did I hate him? Maybe I didn't.
I couldn't handle thinking anymore feeling my eyelids get heavy drifting shut however my breath was still heavy and fast. My chest raised and lowered rapidly against the unfluffed pillow. I was holding onto it so tight I felt the stuffing stress against the fabric. I grabbed onto my own hand wondering if thinking of him would make things better or worse at this point, I was just tired slumped into bed. He was gorgeous, maybe not physically. I wouldn't know. But he was the best person I'd ever met. A real angel. A good guy really, 'guy' I played the word over and over again in my head internalizing the feeling it gave me. Shame? Maybe. I couldn't label what I was suffering with even as the fighting died down, I had to silence my sobs into the pillow hoping my father wouldn't hear me. I slowly calmed down at least physically and watched my thoughts melt into blotches of blue phasing through my mind till I fell asleep dreaming of Sal.
It was something I couldn't quite understand. The kind of thing that blurs a burning love and hate like a dream and a nightmare. I kissed his face and held his hand. I felt his scars and I tasted his blood. A messy mixture of the violence I was presenting plus the feelings I buried deep in my heart. I could hear his voice when I took his hand in mine his laugh was so sweet something I barely heard at school. But his screams were like nails on a chalkboard. He was in pain, he was hurting. I'd hurt him. Becoming my father was something I promised myself would never happen I hated him in every possible way. I refused to let someone; anyone be hurt by me like he hurt people. Especially not Sal I'd never hurt Sal, Would I?
I woke up just as sore as when I went to sleep eyes puffy and throat sore, I just hoped my dad wouldn't notice it when I left. The dream I had, maybe a nightmare? Not sure how I'd label it replayed in my head little details becoming harder to recall as I got ready but maybe I didn't want to recall it. I put on my purple sweater stretching my arms and poking at my bruises in the mirror as I got ready. My face looked like shit the acne and black eye really fucked me over. Not like I had good enough features in the first place to give a shit. I ran my fingers through my hair, so it was at least manageable enough to face my father and survive school. I lazily threw my backpack on only adjusting it properly when I started coming down the stairs. I could hear my father in the living room and don't want to be yelled at for being informal.
"I'm leaving, father." I didn't dare make eye contact just waited for his approval to leave.
"Alright don't be home late." He says nodding so I rush out quickly almost running to the bus stop.
I just wanted to get to school and see him.
