If only I knew...

maybe he changed...

I let him go, ofcourse I couldn't stop him

Guilt about lying to him about me dating someone was burning me apart, I can't just lie about that, it isn't right but I can't tell him that I just lied to him

Me: "Hey, I'm sorry I shouldn't have had said that"
Ryan: "what exactly?"

Is he serious right now?

Me: "everything, you are not feeling good right now and I think I made it worse"
Ryan: "you know when I feel like this the best thing for me is communication, and I love talking to you"

This must be a joke

Me: "really?"
Ryan: "ofcourse, Most of all I don't want to be alone in this situation."
Me: "Then why have I not heard from you absolutely nothing for two months!?"
Ryan: "Well, I didn't start talking to you today"
Me: "and?"

I was starting to loose it, I was afraid I will blow up

Ryan: "I wrote to you because you did not write"
Me: "You just got used to the fact that I always took the initiative, you yourself did not want to do anything"

Absolute disbelief

Ryan: "Thought maybe offended you somehow?"
Me: "you thought?"

This must be a joke

Ryan: "What I offended you?"
*replying to the "you're used to_____"
Ryan: "When did you take the initiative?"

This motherf-

Me: "are you serious right now?"
Ryan: "Right now I didn't understand"

I told him to scroll up and read all the messages

Me: "I thought I made it clear"
^*Replying to "Right now I didn't understand"*

I don't know how he didn't get the point when I told him:
"Well, actually, I didn’t think that I would tell you this, but it began to seem to me that you were not interested in talking to me.
And I want to write to you and I sometimes get mad when I don’t hear from you, so I message you but mask it as if I want something"

Ryan: "where do I scroll from? When I went out with my friend?"
Me: "do I need to point it out for you? And no not then"

I showed him the exact message

Ryan: "*face palm emoji* I'm dumb, sorry"
Me: "No problem, I'm used to it"

It was true, I am used to it

Ryan: "are you tolerating me? How long?"

Honestly I don't even know how long I had been tolerating this

Me: "a very long time"
Ryan: "I'm sorry"
Me: "no problem"
Ryan: "are you busy now?"
Me: "yes"
Ryan: "oops I'm disappearing"

Tears form in my eyes

Me: "as always, bye"

I'm so sick of this

Ryan: "no I just don't want to disturb you, if you we're not busy I would love to talk, I am used to disturb someone"

So now he is playing the victim

But what if he's not? What if he is really traumatized by someone? Me?

Me: "ok wait for me then" 10:37 pm

Me: "ok I'm free" 11:30 pm

I was trying to see if he really wants to talk or is it just him being him

If only I knew that he didn't change...

If only I knew...