✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

100. Hopeful

What Would Daddy Do?

The words were burned into Tess's mind now, and she couldn't stop thinking about them. She had bought the bracelet for Spike as a kind of joke, knowing how much he wanted to take after his father. She hadn't known the full story, but she had seen the way he almost worshipped the man. Now she knew why; it wasn't a happy story, but it was a powerful one. Where people could have been afraid, Spike had seen it as an inspiration. A sign that Mr Luger was handing off the baton to him, the new generation. She didn't want to think about Spike sacrificing himself to save kids, but she was sure that she would.

She was becoming more and more certain now that she was in love with this boy, even if he didn't understand his own emotions. Even if he would never think of her like that, she wanted to be as close to him as she could possibly be, and go with him wherever he wanted to go.

But now she kept imagining him as some kind of daddy figure; a substitute parent while hers were so far away. Or not so much a parent, as somebody who could treat her like a child. Somebody who might be able to say the trigger phrases that Ffrances had given her, and make her feel like a child again. Just a week before, Tess had been absolutely sure that she didn't want to be a little kid. She loved feeling like she was in control, and the times she'd done that stuff with Gabby and Tess, her enjoyment had all come from the feeling that she was learning something new, and starting to understand something that had seemed beyond belief. She had told herself that experiencing posthypnotic suggestions and learning how they worked, what they could do, and how it felt was just her first step on the path to mastering those skills herself. But now her worldview had fallen apart in the best way possible.

If it wasn't Gabby trying to force Tess to call her Mommy, if it was Spike instead who wanted to be her Daddy, she couldn't imagine anything but excitement. As soon as she imagined him in the scene, she knew that she would enjoy it. If he wanted to be her Daddy, she would call him that without a second thought. Did he think that's what she'd been intending when she gave him that bracelet, a kind of double meaning? She'd never even thought about it, but if he wanted it then she knew she felt the same. Daddy Spike could do whatever he wanted. She doubted he would be as weird as Gabby, trying to make her have an accident like a real baby. But then the image flashed into her mind of this powerful, responsible boy who had protected her since she came to Raytbridge, and had always been her rock.

He wanted to be Daddy. Did that include telling weird jokes that were entertaining just because they weren't funny, or ordering Tess's inner child to wet herself as a display of how much power he held over her. She couldn't really imagine him doing either, but if he did... she couldn't imagine herself thinking any less of him. If he was a strict Daddy, or one who wanted to degrade her... she would do whatever he said, and never question it. That was just how she felt about him, and it was a shock to realise how deep those feelings ran. She would do what he said no matter what, and she knew he would make her love it.

"Earth to Tess!" the voice finally broke through her daze. Liz was right in her face, looking a little concerned.

"Sorry, I was just... you know," Tess mumbled, embarrassed for a moment. They were standing around just inside the school gates now, waiting for the first bell that would officially spell the end of the winter break. Tess had caught up with some of her friends on Saturday, when she had joined Chloe, Kim and their partners to wander around Raybridge centre and catch up on their various vacations. But she hadn't spoken to Liz since school had ended, and the guilt over not staying in touch made it just a little harder to find something good to say.

"Spacing out, lost in your thoughts?" she said. "Christmas so great you can't help reminiscing?"

"No, I..." Tess started, and then realised that she couldn't be so passive all the time. If she always kept her feelings to herself, it would be like she was separated from the group. There was only one thing she could think of to say now, and it was highly inappropriate. But if they disapproved, she knew her friends well enough to be sure they'd take it as a joke. It was so out of character for her to come out and say something like that; nobody would believe she'd said the words. "I was just thinking that he can do whatever he wants to me."