Displaced

Displaced (tronnor oneshot)

***Troye's P.O.V.***

I knew he wasn't ok.
We all knew it was destined to happen.
But did we do anything about it?
No.

And that's why we are where we are now. Standing here in black. The sun keeping us warm while we look at the stone the engraves;
"Connor Franta"

***flashback***

"Troye I'm sorry"

"Connor I don't even know what you're saying sorry for, I came home and that's all you've been saying."

"I didn't want to hurt you- I don't want to hurt you"

"Why would you hurt me?" I feel a lump in my throat at the thought of things he's talking about.

"I'm tired" he turns, ignoring me all together and going to the room.

I figure it's just something small, he'll be over it by morning. So I leave him. I leave and go outside, mistake one.

I drive away to get some food hoping I can bring it back to cheer him up. Mistake two.

But the biggest mistake was coming home. Coming home and seeing Connor lying on the bed where he once would wrap me up in his arms. But this time he's lifeless.

With blood. The gun touching his outstretched hand nearly falling off of his fingertips.

"Connor" I whisper and cringe the tears down my face. My knees give out and I fall next to him, level to his cold, pale face.

I turn to see the bedside table, sitting upon it, a crinkled piece of lined paper. I take it and turn it over seeing Connor's recognizable handwriting.

Dear Troye,

My beloved, I love you so much. So fucking much and it's not your fault,
Please don't go around thinking it is because I promise it's not. It's me.

You deserve so much better Troye. So much better than me, I'm just a guy with no talents, I'm not good looking, I'm an act. I'm different on camera, around my family, around friends but I'm never different around you.
I'm just myself because I know you would never judge me for it.

I want to thank you for so many things.
Thank you for awkwardly standing in the middle of public, crowded places with me so I can take pictures to post. Thank you for filming me in weird places as much as you don't want to. Thank you for being you, being us anywhere and everywhere we are, no matter how many people are around.
Beyond all, thank you for loving me continually.

You never stopped loving me. I never stopped loving you. I still love you. And I know it will be hard but I don't want you to put your life on pause. I want you to continue to live your life and you have to move on.

I tried so hard to stay Troye. I just couldn't take it. I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay so badly for you. All the smiles on my face were for you. Only about 25% were real, and every time it was you who cause the real smile.

I've said it millions of times, thought it billions, and wrote it down hundreds of times. I love you Troye Sivan Mellet.

Don't forget it.

I know you'll go places in life, your something special. Your talented, and your the most amazing husband anyone can have. Any guy is lucky to have you and I don't know why you chose me.

Please stay strong. I beg of you. You have so much potential, so much to live for, so many people who love you.

That included me.

It still does.

Love,
Your's truly, Connor.

***end of flashback***

"And now a eulogy from Connor's husband, Troye"

I take a deep breath before taking a pre-written eulogy from my pocket and laying it out on the podium. It shakes in my hands and I start to choke up.

"Connor." I look at the paper, all the words, I'll sound like a robot if I speak from the paper.

Just speak from the heart Troye.

"You don't know how valuable something is until you don't have it anymore." I pause looking up at everyone. Connor's family, Bethany, Zoe, plenty other of his and my friends.

"That's what I've learned at least. Connor was obviously the most valuable thing in my life. I love him so much. I'll never stop loving him, he told me to move on, but I'll never meet someone as amazing as him. As great as him. As handsome as him. As funny as him. There's no one like him. Never will be.

Oh, Connor. I'll miss waking up and walking downstairs to see him sitting in the kitchen on his laptop, he would always have a cup of coffee ready for me sitting next to him.

He would always have the biggest smile on his face when he would see me in the morning. That smile was the best thing to wake up to.

Then he would tell me about his dreams or things he found on the Internet or what he thought about before he fell asleep, always something new and interesting.

He came across as a happy person. And it pains me to know he wasn't truly. He wasn't really."

I don't know if I should say what I'm thinking next. But then my lips keep moving and I say it.

"I found antidepressants in the bathroom. I asked him about it and he told me everything. I figured it was just some type of phase and he would be happy again soon. I didn't know what to think. I wouldn't ever imagine me doing this. I used to imagine us adopting children, growing old together, and so much more on how we could live our lives. But I guess things change.

Connor is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He would always plan crazy adventures and we always had so much fun together. He was my everything. He still is.

One time we talked about adopting. He said he wanted a girl, and he wanted to name her Camilla. He never gave an explanation though.

He didn't think he was good enough" and that's where I break down.

"He didn't think he could do it anymore. He didn't know how amazing he was. Connor I love you. I don't know what else to say. Your my sun, my moon, and I feel like my whole world is just..." I struggle to find the words. "displaced without you. I miss you."

I look down at the black coffin with layers of white flowers on top.

"I miss you"

_______________________

Hi, I know this is really sad but I am in a puddle of emotions right now so here's a one shot, also super exciting news, I FUCKING MET CONNOR. LIKE LITERALLY. if your reading Past all the details will be in the chapter 21 authors note, thanks for reading and ily!

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