build

chapter 1 - wish upon a star

As a guy with 2 kids and a partner, I've been in a long period of hiatus in regards to work and job as a father. I know, a worthless scumbag that free loads in their partners parents home in the province.

Hi! I'm Light the not so light of the family and a burden to society, and this is my story.

Life has been hard, wanna make it harder? Get a partner and make two kids. I gotta tell you, everything would be a downward spiral once you completed these steps.

As I prepare for the big thing ( which was becoming a pro gamer food enough to get scouted ) Ive consumed all of my time in grinding my rank up to a point where everyone was on the top. And boy I tell ya, it aint easy. Specially with a nagging partner such as mine. Her name is Love, a loveable caring partner.. to our kids of course. Towards me? Newsflash, cold as Ice and words sting like a bee.

Despite all of the harsh words thrown at me, I completely understood what she wants to tell me.

Get a job, get a life and earn honest money. I knew these words and steps are easy as it looks.

But man, whenever I got a job I always ended up getting bored and started playing thoroughly again.

Which leads me to getting AWOL or NCNS and ultimately leaving the company.

A$$hole much? Yes thats me, but what can I say.. the game the sound and the applause.. it calls me.

It was always my dream to earn and get recognise with the thing I love doing, and that is gaming.

Sure it is a long and rough road ahead since im old enough to have two kids. But it doesn't stop me from trying.

But with age, comes with a lot of thinking and reflection. And this hits me hard.

As I was sitting oh so quietly on the sofa next to my computer while playing a game of WildRift.

My partner was talking.. something about cleaning the place up.

I did respond as a normal gamer would. And what would that be? "Yeah sure, after the game"

She was furious, and was nagging too much I can't stand it. Afterwards I couldn't focus at all.

The play I was doing was so bad, I couldn't even focus on the map and sorroundings of the game. Inevitably, I'm so triggered it made me feel bad.

I should have done it immediately but I was to obsessed with winning too much and ranking up in the game.

After the game, I went to leave my phone and charge it for later. And did some chores as my partner have told me.

Done some cleaning, did some cleaning of the bottles as well and took the kids for a warm bath.

Its all I could so, as I'm not even earning any amount as I'm just at home playing.

I've also thought about doing some live streams to show off my gameplay and style, but in these day and age.

The audiences are always there when there's a pretty face and not the gameplay itself. Some even show a lot of body parts and its the girls hooters if you know what I mean.

I can't compete with that, as I'm not good looking as well. The content I'm only comfortable with are my gameplays, nothing more nothing less.

But the masses only wanna see the face and the jiggling hooters on screen.

Scratching that there's no actual income in what Im doing now, the only hope I can get would be to join in a sponsored team.

The night came, and I've been reflecting on the things my partner has said.

Made me think back to all the things Ive done.

I aint no saint, ive cheated and did a lot of horrible things while we were in a relationship. And it sucks as I can only say sorry and receive capital punishment from her.

Still, im not being fair. It hit me so hard that Ive been blaming my past and experiences in what I am today now.

For 13 years Ive been dealing with my anxiety, depression and now I probably have a mental disorder way worse than the 2 Ive mentioned.

A glimpse? Why not. Im not proud of it, but ive hitted my kids way too hard sometimes and i feel very angry at the same time having dark, and I mean super dark thoughts.. worse than anything I could have imagine.

Fear and regret is the word closest I could explain what I felt afterwards, and I knew for a fact that this is wrong and I do need professional help.

But to my deepest regret. No one is willing to help or listen anymore. As ive been an as of a partner and an ass of a friend.

As a son and brother, ive been long forgotten and has been disposed of as they never wanted to be a part of my life after our dad died. Grieving and resenting them at the same time as they put the blame on me as to why our father died.

So getting help from my family is a no go as well.

How I wish it would end, the pain the suffering. Suicidal thoughts have even emerged as I was self loathing. Nothing seems to go right, nothing seems to be okay anymore.

Everything I can do, and everytime I try to make things right. It fails. And still, im harshly reminded of how wrong I was and how bad I was as it is my "Karma" as they say.

My partner Love was so mad as always, she shouted " you never did anything right, im sick and tired of doing everything for this family, when are you even gonna learn and when are you going to do your responsibilities as a father?"

It hit me again, even if im doing the things I can as a father for now.. it never gets seen.. they only see me as the one who always fail and have been a burden all this time.

I just looked at her and nodded, and whispered "sorry for being here and even ruined your life"

She exclaimed and shouted again "look at you, your sorry wont do squat, my ex partner is way better than you as a man and as a partner, he may be an ass but the guy is way better than you"

Being compared roughly to her first partner made me realise, what if I didn't court her? What if I never fell for hrer. would she be happy and would everyone I know be happy?

The answer is.. yes
If only I didnt exist or didnt knew them none of these would have happened.

As im reminiscing the past way before I met Love, i get along and have been happy with my friends.

It only went downhill as the years go by as Ive done things im not proud of that had ruined them as well.

I would sacrifice those memories, those happy days just for them to be happier today. But I cant.

Im alone, per se as the world is against a villain like me. A devil in human clothing. A dirt to society. A worthless piece of trash, as all of then have mentioned about me.

This is what I get for aiming too much, or maybe not. Im not even sure. The only thing im sure of is that Im willing to change everything.. un meet my friends the people I knew and even be a real loner with no social life.

As the night goes by, tears drop by my eyes as I was hugging my pillow forcing myself to sleep.. it was the only thing on my mind.. my wish..  to go back.. and unmeet them.. so their lives would be better... Wishing i didnt exist is much easier... This is just an effort.. but still its just a wish.. nothing more nothing less..

I finally fell asleep holding my pillow...

As the night ends before I sleep,  stars were raining in the heavens..

*Part 2 or chapter 2 would be impossible as I know this is a failed project*

Still I do hope you enjoy it.