Love and Ambition

25 - Indie Film Festival

Waves crashed against the shore; foam sprayed over rocks. My arm burned from the heat of the sun. Sean's heart drummed lightly as I pressed my ear against his chest, holding tightly onto him as if I'm collecting him. Taking in every good part of him.

The calming blue sky stretched above us. 

Calming.

This was as calm as our relationship could be. We laid there with the sand against our backs; simmering in each other's silence. 

There was no game. No manipulation. No fights for the upper-hand. 

I wanted time to stop so I could linger in this moment; under the calming blue sky. In Sean's arms where he held me and I felt wanted—instead of those times where held me down because I was what he needed to quench his thirst.

Weeks had passed and I still think of him. Of us. Of whether I had acted unreasonably in the relationship.

Maybe he's always been like that. Or maybe we just brought the worst in each other. I just know I was no longer the same after we ended. I know he took my confidence away.

I take notice of my heart racing in my chest as I sit here, in the venue of the Indie Film Festival. Short films were showed and now they have announced the showing of my film followed by my name. 

Applauses fades and the opening scene presents itself on the big screen. Taken from RAW footage to Anna's magical editing skills to the final product on screen. 

I watch the crowd for their reactions to the sad scenes, if anyone had teared up. As I search through faces, I catch Ms. Findley dabbing a tissue to her eyes. A smile curls on my lips when the audience burst a laugh at a witty joke I wrote, thinking it wouldn't hit. 

But here they are—enjoying it.

All ten minutes of the film, I got the reaction I wanted. Gasps, laughs, tears. The great hall roars of whistles and applause when it ended. People liked it. But did the judges? Will it win?

Jenn takes my attention from across the table, giving me a proud thumbs up. 

They announce Becca's film, Girl Code. "I was told that the director will not be named," the host says. The crowd laughs a little. I look to Becca's table, catching her eye, expecting her to be embarrassed. But she claps with the rest of the audience, and then raising her shoulders for a shrug. 

The film isn't as I expected. Maybe because her performance heightened the cheesy story line and zero character arc. She brought drama and flair to a scene that wouldn't be. In the end, I enjoyed it. And so did the audience.

Last from our group was Terence's film, Stop, Look, and Listen. A mystery-thriller. All throughout, my nails pressed against my palm from the tension of the movie. Elongated scenes of mystery moved me to the edge of my seat. As the movie ended, my mouth hangs at the twist; I find myself jealous at the talent. 

How could I have not seen that coming?

I guess I won't win.

An hour of film showing; an hour of doubt. A thirty minute break is announced and I head to the bathroom, avoiding people's gaze while I try to hide the burn in my cheeks. 

You really think you'd win?

You're not that talented.

Sean's voice enters my mind like an unwanted ghost living in an attic. What did I really expect? I'm not a genius, I'm not smart, I'm not great. I'm just good enough. And that would mean that whatever I create would just be average. 

Brooke the average girl. Living an average life. 

As I lean against the stall, staring down at the floor, I wish Jason was here. Watching over a drunk girl in the next stall, drinking beer not for its taste. I smile at the memory.

I take my phone and send him a quick text.

Good luck on your exams. I miss you. <3

* * *

The room settles after the announcement for Best Actress. I look over to Becca, expecting her to look away and hide her tears. But she watches the announcers on stage, opening the envelope. 

"Jennifer Davis!" 

She stands up, looking over at me with a huge grin on her face. "What?!" She tries to say to me through the thundering applause of the crowd. 

"That's my best friend!" I yell as she walks up the stage to accept the award.

The moment of truth. 

I watch the announcers hold the envelope. 

The Best Film projects behind them in big, bold letters. Its light burning my eyes as I anticipate... The sound of my film coming off their lips; but bracing for the disappointing loss.

A smile grows on their faces as the hostess opens. I hear the tear of the envelope, then the crinkle of the paper as she unfolds; her inhale as she places her mouth towards the microphone.

"And the winner is," she pauses to read. "Stop, Look, and Listen!" 

The room echoes of applause and shouts. Terence walks up to the stage, a humble smile on his face. A clip of his film plays in the background. His film and name shining bright in the background. The rest of the crew trails behind him. 

I sit here, grinding my teeth together; trying to control my breathing as I clap my 'happiness' for him.

That's it, then, I tell myself. You're just average.

My heart sinks so far down my gut, it might as well have moved there. The room starts to disappear as I've lost meaning in my own work. Now believing that passion isn't good enough. 

"Here we have the envelope for the best director. The genius behind the film. The artiste that brings the vision to life," she announces.

I search the room for anticipating faces. A man in his thirties sits at the edge of his seat, ready to stand at the sound of his name. I laugh to myself. It could be him. His film was good. Might even be perfect, but I don't remember. It's been hours.

"Brooke Thatcher!" 

Suddenly, my cheeks lift up from a frown to a grin.

I won!

I stand, tears welling up my eyes as I walk towards the stage. Like how I imagined. My film playing in the background. Then my name. And then the shine of the trophy as I hold it in my hands, thanking everyone I know. 

"But ultimately, I want to thank Sean," I see the drop of Jenn's and Becca's faces. "Without him, I wouldn't have poured my soul into this film. All the bad parts of him created a seed that was planted and grown into a beautiful flower that is this film."

As I walk down the stage, the room spins beneath my feet. I take a breath as I sit down, grabbing my phone to text Jason the news.

Jason: I knew it! I'm so proud of you. Can't wait for you to come back to celebrate this one of many <3.

* * *

I'm glad that time didn't stop on that beach. I would have been stuck on the snowball of our relationship; going from good to bad to worse. 

The calming blue sky turned into a wintery mist.

Just like the seasons, I was born again in spring.

I found love and fulfilled an ambition in film.