Tori spring

Dear diary

Dear diary... go fuck yourself,  just kidding. I don't know what to write in this stupid thing. Anyway, hi. My name is Tori, I'm a boring 17-year old white girl

I'm not special, is what I'm trying to say, and I'm okay with that

We moved to Edinburg two years ago, and not like a cute part of Edinburg either, but corn and cabbage and shit. Like my towns won the grand prize for most polluted air in America for a bunch of years in a row now, so...

...yippee

Ms. Capriotti made me promise to do this.

She said it might help with my moods. I keep losing my temper

I don't want to, but it just spills out. Its cause my brother sort of got sick... really sick, last spring

"So I'm supposed to write... what now? I don't get it"

"Anything, everything. Whatever comes to mind"

And now no one knows what to say to me

"Think of it like you're just talking to yourself and no one will ever read it but you"

Not even the guidance counselor

"Can I just... use my phone?"

"Mmm... your phone'll be distracting dont you think? I'd like you to have something a little more... therapeutic, these things are never easy, but I do want you to at least attempt to have a normal high school experience"

I mean, she's pretty all right, I guess, even if she does smell like an old hippie

Anyway, here's to a normal high school experience, whatever the fuck that means

...

"And yes, during arousal, there is an increase in all sorts of things including adrenaline and of course blood flow and the blood flow continues down and then gets trapped within the corpora cavernosa. The penis expands, and this is how the homo sapien male is able to hold an erection"

Ben raises his hand, I hate Ben he's such a cocky sun of a bitch

"Yes"

"From my experience, mr. File, the holding of an erection is far more successful in the hands of a homo sapien female"

People laugh, their idiots, sometimes I think these people might not even have brains, are they even real? Do they even live real lives?

"Very funny mr. Lewis"

"Just talking science"

"Moving on"

A popular boy named Henry or some shit turns to me

"Ah, come on, mate! Laugh. That was funny"

He turns back around and gives Ben a high five

I roll my eyes and look to the side, where Becky my best friend sits, we smile at each other from across the room

She's such a badass. Normally, I don't think she'd choose me as a friend, her hair is purple and pretty, I've noticed something recently. When your hair is purple people look at you more, but when your hair is purple and your also very very attractive people seem to stare instead of just look at you more

We both moved here around the same time. Both the new kids in town, you know, so, I guess I kinda lucked out.

Before Becky, I mostly just kept to myself, I still do keep to my self, all the time. I'm not the kind of person that likes attention, I like being left alone, with Becky, she has this way about her that... she just makes me feel different

She was with me when the whole brother situation happened. She was the only one, keeping me even slightly sane

I used to think everyone was insane but me and her, everyone had just lost themselves and their just like no brains running their mouths focusing on themselves and boys and whatever the popular kids talk about

Since then, she keeps me laughing, smiling, when all I wanna do is melt into the floor.

Which sort of made me realize I've never had a best friend before...

Me and Becky sit across from each other at fiddles diner, what a strange name for a place

"So, I'm standing there trying to get by and he's all like, oh, who's the new girl in town? And I'm like, shut up. It's me, Becky."

"Wait, this is Ben... hope?"

I say stiring the milkshake me and Becky are sharing, I look up at her

"Yeah. He's sort of sweet, you know? And then... he asked me to homecoming!!"

I laugh, as if it were a funny joke, Becky deserves way better than some ken looking rugby lad

"Wait, and... you accepted?"

"No. I told him to take his washboard abs and chiseled jawline and get out of my face"

My eyes go wide, I want to be like Becky, I want to go to all the cool school parties and get all the boys I want, I want to know what it's like to be genuinely happy, I haven't felt happy since Charlie was around,

Charlie was a nice human, nice is such a dull compliment to use for someone, but Charlie, he was genuinely nice, so many people do bad things and are bad people, I'm a bad person, Charlie and Becky are the only good people I've ever known

Charlie, Charlie spring, my little brother, he was so kind and nice to everyone. He made my life so much better when he was born. God I miss him more than anything

"Yeah, of course I said yes"

I look at Becky for a minute, she has that specific look in her eye right now

"Uh- oh, my god. You had sex with him, didn't you?"

She smiles and looks away, knew it

"Holy shit"

She laughs

"No way, holy shit!"

That's what I would say if I gave any shits, Becky's relationships are weird. I don't know, they just make me mad, none of these people she picks are good for her, their all assholes in some way or just fucking bimbos

"You gave Ben hope your v-card?"

"Shh!"

"Did you use a condom-"

"Yeah! Yes! Of course! I know"

Last year Becky got her braces off and her boobs suddenly arrived, so, of course golden boy Ben hope takes notice

I hate Ben hope

"So what are you guys like, suddenly girlfriend and boyfriend or something?"

I look at her with a slight smile

"I mean, we haven't put a label on it yet, but..."

*TW for this next part, maybe?*

Ben hope, Ben fucking hope. Ben hope made my brother feel like such shit when he was here, they went out for a while, Ben was obviously using Charlie, of course he was because he was "figuring out his sexuality" he is a part of the reason Charlie is dead

No he isn't, sorry, Charlie passed because of his anorexia, he had it for so long before he passed, I tried so hard, so fucking hard to help him, and he was getting better with eating we were working through it, but it took over, I don't know why

Sometimes I blame myself, even though I know I couldn't have done anything

Nick nelson. I wonder where Nick nelson is and how he's doing, Nick nelson is the boy after Ben hope, Nick nelson made Charlie spring feel so important, Charlie was so happy with Nick and they were together for about 2 years,

Nick helped a lot with Charlie's eating but it wasn't enough