It's Not So Easy...

It's Not So Easy...Being Me

It's hard to grow up without parents. But it's even harder to grow up with parents that are never there. The fact they are here yet they don't put in the effort to be in their child's life is insane. I barely see my parents maybe an hour or two a day. Imagine playing your game, or at your meet looking up and see everyone's parents but yours. It hits hard when they rather choose money then time with me. I don't think I have never been in a happy state. I have had my happy moments but never been actually "happy". I always knew there was something wrong inside. The feeling of sadness consuming my thoughts, actions and opinion of life. a couple months ago I was officially diagnosed with depression. I put on this happy exterior, this positive vibe yet inside I feel empty. With all this negativity in my life I need support and just a sense of being cared for towards me. But the thing is my parents don't care they think it's a sin or that I'm faking it. They can't admit the fact that I have a mental disorder that affects thousands of people. They think that I'm saying I want depression just so I can have it or just so I can take a pill. When my mother said that I was so astounded. How can this women who claims to care more for me than anyone say something so hurtful. I was so fed up with her I asked "Don't you think I want to be happy? Don't you think I know how scary it is that my happiness depends on a pill?" And it is scary. It's scary to think that I would never put on a real smile. It's scary to always feel so alone in a huge crowd. I have friends. I wouldn't say I'm popular but I'm known around. I have friends, but when I'm around them I feel so alone. The thoughts that I'm with these people I label as my "best friends" yet I sit here and just wish I could go home to sleep. I get so angry. I want to be able to sit down with them laugh with them and actually be there mind body and all instead my thoughts travel to anything but them. Something I also hate is the education system. I am very grateful for the education provided for me but not for the fact it's so fucked up. How do people expect high school freshman who aren't even considered adults to decide their future. Look at it this way as 14 year kids you arrant aloud to drive to drink to basically make any decision yet you are aloud to decide what job you get what life style you have with your actions in school. I find that to be incredibly stupid. I failed math last semester not because I'm bad at math because I skipped on grade in it but rather I don't do well on timed test. And the day if you put in an effort you will succeed Bull shit. I spend more than two hours on math homework every single night yet I have a fifty something percent in the class. My teacher is always telling me to get help from him yet when I ask he says I'm expected to know it. I'm expected to learn not know things that's why I'm in school.

With depression, the struggles of keeping up with school, the stress that comes with it, friend drama and parents that don't support or believe in me or even try to put an effort to mend a relationship that's been broken so long ago, It's not so easy being me.

************************************* authors note

So this is the first chapters of many...
Tell me your opinions on any subject that were brought up, or how you imagine me! And also tell me what's your favorite current song! I love music and I would like to discover new music!

Current favorite song- Make it to me by Sam Smith

Until next time...