random thoughts of girl that never grew up

all I want is to be a tabula rasa,

Isn't it weird how we only live for around 100 years at most but we follow like a billion spoken as well as and unspoken rules? "Happiness should only come from things like this", "This is something that should make you sad". Sure, there's probably some sort of universal understanding of what's happy and what's sad. But the moment you get the simplest understanding of the world, or when that Id of yours starts to be overpowered by the heavy criticisms and constant bashing of your ego and superego, are you still free to feel the way you want to feel anymore? Feed a baby crying for food and it'll be perfectly happy. But give some food to an adult in hunger and there'll by all kinds of complicated feelings. "Why did he give this to me, is this food gone bad?","Wow does he think I don't have enough to eat","I wonder if he has enough to eat, maybe I should share", "I wonder how he got this food", All kinds of shit! I wish we could be just clean slates like John locke said. All I want I think is to be a tabula freaking rasa.

I am not a good person. Whenever I say this out loud people tell me things like "why do u think like that?" "Well I don't think you're bad" or "Well then you can become a good person" . hmm, you want to know why I'm a bad person right? I call myself a bad person because I know I am. Because though I play the goody two shoes cuz I'm a people pleaser, I know all the shitty thoughts I get. if you knew the number of times I've gritted my teeth and smiled with a bitch I wanted to punch, you'd be surprised. I'm tired of playing multiple characters, pretending to love people I don't, smiling with people I wish I never saw again. I just don't have enough goodness to spare for them anymore. sometimes I feel like most problems in the world would disappear if we had telepathy. too bad we don't.

Today I feel like screaming to the heavens and smashing the things in this house. But ofc I don't. Why? Cause if I do the loss will be mine. Cause if I do I'll be the bad guy. Cause if I do I'll be an ingrate. And I'll keep on being like this. I'll keep my devious urges inside till I can't take it anymore one day. And who knows if we're all lucky I'll just off myself and be done. If not who knows what I'll do. What if I trigger the end of the universe?

In reality what if the world comes to an end. What if humanity vanishes. Not gonna lie wouldn't the earth be grateful if humans vanish? All we do is destroy what's natural and pretty and replace it with something artificial and crappy.

In my religion being born as a human is like an exam that ends when you die. You let go of evil and gather as much merits as you can and voila your result sheet is out and you got into heaven. but If not too bad they didn't just reject you, they found you a replacement called hell or rebirth as a human.

But the weird part is I feel like most bad people aren't happy in this life. (Hell is any of us truly happy) I feel like for some people embracing the evil is the last attempt at trying to get a little closer to happiness. and even then I don't think most of them gets there through that. And then you're once again gonna throw them in a place designed to make people miserable? (wait that sounds familiar... oh earth! yes!) Imagine becoming a robber because you're just that broke and can't feed your kids. well you'll get the money, you'll feed your kids, but does that mean you're happy now? wouldn't the guilt eat away at you at least a bit? And then you die and yay! you're in hell to experience more pain! Ngl that's just shitty.("Those of u going but he can do some honest work instead..." honest work my ass! take a look around. just because your life worked out at least at some point, doesn't mean it does for everyone.) And how is hell gonna make me a better person? When did extremes ever fix anything? Do prisoners come out as better people? Some may ofc. But most find they're true calling for crime when they go in don't they?

Its situations that make us bad. I'm not saying there are no bad people in the world, I'm not that dense. some people are just terrible terrible monsters. But at least some of those bad people might have reasons right? Be it biological complications or worse, shitty situations. I wonder without this brain to feed me emotions, if I was nothing but my soul what will I feel? Can souls be black and white and gray? Or do they have any colour at all?

But anyways imagine the mortal world disappeared and only heaven and hell existed. In my religion we don't believe that heaven and hell is eternal. They're the same as this mortal world. we're just infinitely running in a circle while stopping at the stops that we're assigned to. (but time works differently in each apparently, I'd rather not comment on this I guess). And without this insanely tiresome exam, how will we be assessed? how will we be put in hell and heaven? if our goal is to get out of this vicious cycle, Who knows maybe the end of the world is the real salvation?